that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.


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the audacity of feelings

Audacity means “daring” or “shameless boldness”. Here’s my mentality about feelings: How DARE they BOLDLY take over our lives? That’s right…I understand somewhat how we are in control of our emotions and such, but I am a firm believer in we control how we project these feelings, not necessarily that we feel them. Make sense? I thought so.

See, it goes something like this. Girl meets Boy. Boy is nice to Girl. Girl decides nice Boy is pretty special. Girl still just wants to be friends with Boy. But Girl can’t help thinking about Boy. Boy then controls 14% of Girls thoughts. Unfortunate, because Girl didn’t want feelings towards Boy. (This is purely hypothetical, it’s not me, trust me).

Or case in point: I have a Shakespeare final tomorrow night that I know I have to perform absolutely brilliantly on. It’s tomorrow. And I’ve done about 6 hours worth of play summary reading. That’s it. And while I am studying I am not actually paying attention to it…which is frustrating because even though I know I have a ton of work to do and to get focused, my raging feeling that “I just don’t care” is getting the best of me. But I do care my mouth is screaming while my head is saying no you don’t, you’d rather be crafting paper snowflakes and hanging them on your Christmas tree. (Again, relatively fabricated but the reality is true: no matter how much I KNOW I need to do something, my feelings of not WANTING to get in the way).

Just go with this… I think it is bizarre how much we try to submit to the uncontrolled parts of our lives, such as dressing for the weather or working because it is needed…we forget that we are controlling human beings. Admit it, I really don’t care, but we’re all control freaks in our own rights…I am a particularly good one. And lately, I am having a huge difficulty with the one thing I thought I would always have control on: what I feel.

I am also a chronic liar. I so badly do not want to feel certain ways about things so I will lie and say I don’t. Do you like that dip? I didn’t make it so I don’t care if you do or don’t, I just want to know. [I am gagging after my bite of it but I respond.. it’s a delicate blend of cucumber and raspberry…I loved it…]… like, what the heck. Why can’t I just trust the fact that my feelings, controlled or not, are mine, therefore legitimate. If I had admitted how I felt about the dessert then I wouldn’t have heard Really? You liked it? I thought it was awful. All I was hoping was that you would agree with me. Man, you’re weird and we’re not friends anymore. K that again is a fabrication, but it sure felt that that’s what went down.

It is so huge…trusting your instincts and feelings…and I think I am tainted and unsure of my own because of all the people in the world who force their feelings, albeit opinions, on you. I don’t want to be that guy that says thyme really doesn’t seem to make a difference in a dish…so no, it is not your secret ingredient. Try again. But even so, I silently argue and wrestle with my feelings…so it’s not like I just ignore them, truthfully, out loud, but I am in constant turmoil with them inside.

It is a Swiss tragedy really (I don’t think it appropriate to say it’s a Greek one because I am not Greek)… how my audacious feelings can be so ridiculous, unexpected, brilliant, or lame… but I can’t seem to surrender my control and just have them [feelings]. To do with ANYTHING. Tragic.

Hindsight is always 20.20 so maybe when I am Nana’s age I will be able to gleefully say I sure felt cold in the -40 weather my second year at university when I forgot to wear my mitts rather than at the time, when Gee, Paul, no I am LOVING being out here in the raging, glorious -40 weather looking for your earring you lost in the snow. I am SO glad to be out here, I am staying warm just thinking about how much I am helping you. (This episode did not take place…Paul does not wear an earring…but it’s a clear example of something I would do).
 
Please just hold me accountable to my true feelings, thus support me as I descend into severe depression from my pending terrible grade on my Shakespeare final…just remind me later Kate, you just finally faced your true feelings…you didn’t want to study, so I support your failure.
 
Thanks, I needed that.
 


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no longer an english major

That’s right! Can you believe that you DON’T need to have an english major to TEACH ENGLISH? I CAN’T!!! I had my two advising appointments this past week, along with a ton of studying and homework…and I found out that as long as I satisfy the education requirements FOR the english teaching career, I don’t have to have a MAJOR! So now I will graduate…in MAY 2009… with a BA in Humanities, with a concentration in History and English…that way I satisfy my two teachable areas…and then I will apply into education for the September 2009 10 month program. Are you fired up for me? You better be. Only a couple more years and I will be teaching your children high school english and history…consider yourself blessed.

PS I bought Memory Foam slippers today…on sale at SportChek…they are fascinating, and the most brilliant invention by whomever invented them.
PPS And Megan, I bought my very first item from RW & Co. because you love them so much, and I love it all too! It’s a green-ish sweater that has a neat zipper on the shoulder. I am into it.

Cheers


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i need a life

Hey avid readers…. all those I know, don’t know, and used to know (actually that’s a good question I have no idea who even reads this thing). ANYWAYS, I am calling on your for prayer-support for me. I have 6 papers due in the next 4 weeks and I am having a stress-flash. I am leaving for Camrose on Thursday (which I am super excited about) but just pray for me that I get some work done while I am there — it is crucial to my world. I am so scared about not finishing on time and I am even more scared about producing bad work. I hate failing at things and I hate when November hits and all of a sudden I am royally overwhelmed and questioning my life, future, and reason for being. Yes, it is that hardcore… I am on the verge of mental breakdown.. which I never thought was possible for a 22 year old. But then, I think that every year.

Love you all: friends, family, enemies, and people I have no idea of — that’s tripping me out still.

Cheers!PS I took this pic on my new cell phone from my car when it was raining, hence the spots and only half of the parliament buildings. But I think it’s not bad, especially for a phone (which rocks by the way – It’s a Motorola Krzr K1 and it is part of Bono’s Product(RED) campaign – which I totally support and you should totally check out).


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taste of home

Here’s PART of our home!! Adrienne, my roommate, took them so she didn’t get any of my room or my bathroom but I will post all once everything is completely done! See, doesn’t it LOOK like a potentially sweet home? Yes… I thought so to. I especially love that our kitchen/dining room are separated from the living room by a half wall and a beam. I think it’s perfect. But pay attention to detail…and remember with no power in a kitchen or counter tops, cooking is limited to sandwich makers, toaster ovens, and a microwave… plugged into an extension cord in our bedrooms. We deal with it… but emotions are running high!! haha

Cheers!







8 Comments

moment of weakness

When I came to Calgary the first time, I was soooo excited about moving out, living in residence, and then starting school. But when we first rolled into “Cow-town” as people affectionately seem to call it, I cried. I cried and cried before I saw the school, I cried more when I saw it to a point that Dad and I checked into a hotel before actually moving in. All of a sudden, I didn’t know what to do, why I was doing this, where I was supposed to go… I was fully, completely, illusionarily (if that’s a word) unprepared. You know what my dad said?

“Well Kate, this just proves you can’t be a hero all the time. It’s ok.” and he was right. (I mean, he always is!)

So I have learnt to rather than just keep my head up and never admit to fear or instability, I might as well face it head on. Or share it. And that’s what I am doing… in the next 10 days, I have 4 major term papers due and I don’t have enough time to breathe, let alone prepare for them (and hand in something decent) and I can’t NOT work this month because I need to make rent. That and I have three finals and one more philosophy quiz (which seems to be worse than the finals). So to say I am stressed out might be an understatement, I even CRIED!

In other words, I covet your prayers (as always!!) in the next three weeks, because I am tryin’ to be a hero and I just can’t be this time, Dad!

xox


1 Comment

rant

People who know me best know that I have one pet peeve: Cold Toast. Yep. That’s it…so now you know.

UNTIL NOW!!!!

I just spent 10:00am – 6:00pm at the U of C library studying for my contemporary poetry midterm. Now, this test was supposed to happen the Thursday BEFORE reading break (so on February 15Th) but due to “poor road conditions” (seriously, that was my professor’s reason), she postponed it until tomorrow. That’s all well and good. So I got to study over the break a bit and a ton this week and of course, today. YEA RIGHT. She switched it to NEXT Thursday now!!!

Not only am I prepared for an exam I am now not writing for a week, but it throws off my ENTIRE schedule. Next week was preparing for my nature of religion test and getting my essay done. YEA RIGHT. The worse part is, we’ve been in this course ALL YEAR (since September) and being a third year student, I think it is ludicrous to keep postponing a test on account of people not being prepared… we’ve known for SIX MONTHS.

Although, I am guessing God’s given me a blessing in disguise because I didn’t do well on my midterm yesterday. Alas, I will study tonight anyways.

And consider yourselves some of the elite few as now you know ALL of my pet peeves.

Cheers!


2 Comments

well, it’s done

Last night, at 11:34pm I finished off my university applications. I have now applied, sent in the various transcripts, and paid the fees to three other schools for September 2007. I am now starting this long, waiting process for acceptance… if that’s even possible at this point. My grades are kind of in limbo as a result from my health last semester but I am trying to keep my head above water. So I might be in Calgary again because I just don’t have what it takes!

Anyways, I applied to Brock University (again) in St. Catharine’s, Ontario. I got in last June and maybe if this proves to be something I still would attempt to do, I want that option open.

Second, the University of Victoria. I could finish my english degree, get into education, be near family, and only a short drive from my dad (who is in Duncan). I love Victoria and would like to be in the education system there rather than in the territories or something so ???

And lastly, and more fearfully, I applied to the University of Lethbridge. This school will be the best for my career purposes. To get a combined degree (Humanities-Education) from Lethbridge enables to me to teach any grade, in any province. I am still vyying for Secondary Ed. but if I find my talents may better be suited to Junior High or Elementary, I have that room to explore. Problem is: the competition to get in is BRUTALLY HARD.

I covet your prayers and finger crossing for the next few months. School is getting really stressful, with work combined, and I know I need a high gpa to even let my dreams wander… well, farther than they already have.

Here’s to God’s will and the potential of leaving Calgary…