Is this necessary?
PS: Real blog update to follow — it’s time. 🙂
Perks of home — spending two weeks back in Penticton made it the perfect time to pick up the “necessities” that I deem crucial to my quality of life:
This is not crucial but it is delicious:
Along with the salsa mom and I made, I also loaded up on her homemade apple chips which I can’t post a picture because I ate them already.
On a sidenote digression, a number of years ago I had a little Christmas baking day where my dear friend Leanne brought me a Christmas cactus (who since has gone by “Curtis the Cactus”). Leanne told me that these plants are supposed to bloom at Christmastime and some times Eastertime so every year I have waited for flowers off of Curtis to no avail. When I moved to Victoria, I consulted my personal plant expert Chrissy on how to essentially force Curtis to grow and bloom. Even though she gave me stellar advice (some of which I still haven’t taken), my dang Cactus remained flowerless that Christmas and Easter and subsequently the Christmas and Easter the next year.
I left Curtis with my ma when I came back to Victoria this fall under strict instructions to baby the little guy. I wondered if maybe the climates of stagnant, frozen, bitter Calgary or wet, humid, mild Victoria were hindering the little guys’ progression. Then, lo and behold, I went home at Thanksgiving and this is what I saw:
Moral of my story? Two things: Curtis is not a feminine-enough name for all that pink. Second, my mom is a rockstar.
Fall has set in and I’ve been waiting for it. In Victoria, fall is unlike the autumns I am used to so it is such a treat to be in Penticton where scarves and mittens are as evident as the cold puffs of air I breathe. October never feels quite right until my windshield is frostbitten, the afternoon disappears with my mind in a good book, and the season changes right before my eyes.
Need someone to think about? How ’bout me? As always, my time home or time in Alberta serves to be anointed where I spend more time with my heart and noisy mind than while I am in the throws of my everyday life. I’m facing a couple of impossible decisions right now and as the everchanging leaves of fall, my mind is everchanging over these matters in my heart.
And in finishing my first week in secondary school as a person of authority, I am all over again overwhelmed by the responsibility I am getting myself into. How do I teach students while being real yet not making oh-so-obvious my inadequacies as someone to learn from. Can I? High school is interesting… being back there reminds me of my own time as a student and the five thousand ways that I was immature and brave and curious and obnoxious and selfish and scared. I hope I am removed enough from my own experience by now — the positivity of my own high school years threatens my compassion towards these students’ experiences. The simple reality is that I may struggle understanding them because my existence has been pretty easy. It’s a huge responsibility. I am excited but I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and say that I would trust me with the task. But I am honestly not sure.
A couple things to think about —
When we know that what we are doing is something we’ve been continuously prepared for, how do we fight the fear that we might not be good enough for it?
If a battle for me is a breeze for you, will you tell me how you approach the world and its acceptance of you with grace and trust that it does love you regardless of who you are and where you’re at? How do you own that?
How do you make your impossible decisions?
How long does it take and how far do you go before you openly admit you are struggling? Do you ever? Can you read between my lines?
Finally, when can our hearts meet over coffee? I am aching for the company of a friend.
I could really use some help.
Like the changing season, I feel like I should be changing too…
’cause in the dark, I can’t find my feet
Built my world on promises, colourless and cold
I’m short of breath, I’m sure
Gone, let it wash away the best I had
Gone, and when I disappear
Don’t expect me back, don’t expect me back
I blame what you are about to read on matcha green tea ice cream cravings and my age — I’ll be 24 in about 5 days, gross.
I did absolutely nothing today. I woke up at 5:00 am with the intention of watching the sunrise from the trail above our house. Unfortunately due to the cleanse I am doing for a week, I can’t have coffee. At that hour, even the best of intentions fail and are less appealing if caffeine is not at the core. So I walked around for a bit sat on the couch. At about 7:15 I showered because I was a disaster and even I know that as counter-productive as it is, I would not go to the gym before having one. My eta for the gym was 9:30. I showered, put on my gear, drank the cleanse-brew, and sat on the couch again. This was quite unappealing so I went down to the den where I plugged in the latest ‘Brothers and Sisters’ episode (I’ve started watching the show — not bad). I woke up in my gym clothes at 11:45. At this point I realized my movie was due back at noon and I had 10 mins to get to the 20 min away location. I put my shoes on, walked out to my car, walked back into the house, and took off my shoes. I stripped down to my sportsbra (sorry) and shorts and sat on the chair outside in the heat — which reclines so I fell asleep until the heat woke me up. Then I went on facebook for all of 7 mins to respond to an e-mail, or message – whatever, and then realized my time allowance on megavideo was available so I watched another ep. of BaS. To which I fell asleep. Jes phoned at approximately 4:09 pm which was right around the time that I woke up and was fixing my next cleanse juice. And put a load of laundry in the dryer. When she called, I told her it felt like I just woke up from an 10.5 month coma (which started last September) but our conversation was so long and heated and passionate about the issues, the oh-so-rampant-issues, in my over-excited-life, I got plain exhausted and had to lay down. Now it is 7:18, and I just woke up. Oh, and I drank a calculated 24+ cups of water in the last 12 hours so there have been bathroom breaks in my day too.
I feel like 25 cents for not going to the gym because I love the gym and love what’s happening to me because of it, 4 bucks for not having coffee, $12.95 for watching 9.5 episodes of ‘Brothers and Sisters’, 17 dollars for dreaming about the new-to-me Counting Crows song I heard, and like I maxed my credit card for maxing on my sleep. A new day dawns, my friends, but the only thing I feel good about right now is that I have enough confidence in myself and my readership to be 100% honest with all of you. I know you’re jealous.
For someone who is never, ever this unproductive, I think I am handling the wasted-day with class. And a sunburn cause that 50 mins in the recliner just about did me in.
What did you do today? (I am going back to bed so I will check tomorrow.. :))
If you feel like bringing me one of these today, don’t let me stop you.
This is hilarious.
Tonight I went to see my good friend Robyn while she was at work out in Langford and I wanted to surprise her with a coffee. Well, coffee for me, hot chocolate for her, as was the norm when we worked together at ATB Financial in Calgary. So I am waiting, freezing, in the drive thru for Starbucks, when I ordered:
One skinny latté with sugarfree vanilla and one hot chocolate with no whip.
I get to the actual pickup window and the girl, clearly embarrassed, says:
I was doing something else when I took your order and forgot to punch it in so what was it again? I am so embarrassed (see I made an astute observation, she even admitted the embarrassment).
I repeated and took out by debit card and she said
No, it was my stupidity that’s making you wait so long so these drinks are free.
Wow. That’s unreal and a total dream come true… so I took them and went happily on my way. So pumped to tell Robyn.
Until I got out of the car at the RR and proceeded to drop and explode my latté onto the pavement…and all over my newly cleaned car.
I did manage to save the hot chocolate so the good deed wasn’t totally lost.
I just really wanted that stinkin’ latté, ya know?