that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.


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finding magic

I’ve decided that that is all it takes – a little bit of magic (and a whole lot of patience). I am finding my way. I am so tired though, I think my patience is pretty stretched because I am so tired but it’s hard to focus on me when I have all of them to worry about!

I am sitting in my little cabin in the woods, the fire is blazing, and ignoring school for the next 20 minutes – I can’t believe that this is my current life. I don’t even know where to start. I couldn’t be blessed with a more intelligent, entertaining, and kind group of kids to make up my very first class. I am not even biased, that comment is fact and their energy is in one word – powerful. Powerful means they are positive and real and observant and engaging and enthusiastic. Powerful also means they are talkative and distracted and comfortable and sometimes a bit silly. They are thoughtful and very self aware for a group of 11-13 year olds – I am blessed.

‘They’ don’t train you for the responsibility. ‘They’ don’t train you how to handle your hearts when it’s breaking and falling for 25 preteens. The stress of how to encourage and educate and comfort and listen and care and reprimand… all the while maintaining a massive separation of heart and personal life – I don’t know if that is wholly possible. I had my first Meet the Teacher night and I was aghast at how nervous I was. At this age, parents are so present. It’s wonderful to feel supported, but it’s intimidating to know that ehile these kids are my 25 major priorities right now, that the parents each have 1 priority: their child. I so desperately want to be a great teacher, and that pressure I put on myself far exceeds any other pressure I am feeling.

It’s not enough to take a step back, breathe, and say ‘this is my dream come true’. That’s the easy part. What’s hard is being accountable, working harder when things aren’t working, not being afraid to fail from time to time, parents, answering everyone’s questions – all the time, all day, every second – because I am the one who has the answer, and spending too many hours in the classroom. It’s a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of energy that I am currently missing.

A very dear set of friends of mine reminded me that answering your call to life is not necessarily rewarding in the most earthly and humanly ways…but God does not ever leave us without what we need. I feel like that’s what I need to be telling myself because it is so easy to get hung up on the little parts of the job that actually make it a job and not a dream. I can’t believe my life. Seriously.

The last month has been one of incredible challenge and an unbelievable change – I still haven’t processed the fact that I am living back in my home town, let alone teaching in my elementary school. That’s ok though. In the last few months, I’ve felt friends leave and friends go, hometowns switching on a whim, cost of living change, all the while one large kick in the behind into the real world. I don’t know how I feel about that. Excuse he randomness of this post but I am lacking in the confidence and awareness of why I arrived here to begin with; it’s FACT that I feel like I am incapable of doing the job that I was hired to do – it’s incredibly difficult.

But anything is difficult where people are involved. Quadruply difficult when people’s…especially kids…hearts are involved. I feel like I have something to prove but it’s not about me and nor will it ever be.

I am a teacher.

It’s a dream come true, however that manifests itself for the next 9 months.

I am a teacher.

It’s magic. Or still looking for the magic?

I don’t know. But I’m trying.

Breathe.

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transference

Trying something different. Like not wearing makeup or straightening my hair anymore. Like writing a blogpost on my iPhone. Like running in the evening instead of the morning.

Like teaching grade seven for a year in my old elementary school? Yes, I am trying somethings a bit differently.

That’s my news…I’ve accepted a job offer that was impossible to turn down. It is a one year contract back ‘home’ where I am going to teach all core curriculum, except French, to the grade seven class. It’s an elementary school so considering that I am, both trained as and preferably, an English and History/Social Studies secondary school teacher, my learning curve is steep and the demographic is…different — different from what I know, different from my dream.

It’s ok though, I’m not entitled to my dream job yet so for one year, I’ll gain experience while spending time with people I haven’t seen in what feels like a lifetime.

I’m unraveling. On one hand, I am excited and anxious and honoured to be given this opportunity. On the other, I seem to be crying at no moment’s notice as I feel so overwhelmed by lacking qualifications, how much planning I have to do, the thought of moving back way up north, and the imminent changes that bring goodbyes. This is home, I’m excited for my job but I didn’t think I was ready to leave Victoria, some friends, my best friend, and my family here just yet. It’s all happening so fast. I don’t know how or where to start planning for September … or how or where to say goodbye.

It’ll be trying many things different.

Like teaching full-time to my very own class…different, but different is good.

I can’t believe I’m moving back. That’s different, too.

I can’t believe it’s time to actually say goodbye.

Cheers!


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new things

It feels like watching a house on fire…or what I imagine that to feel like. Like I see it burning but can’t really do anything about it. Or I am just too afraid to run towards it..

Just kidding, it’s not like that at all but I am probably frustrated, albeit obviously not as much, akin to someone whose home is burning down. I need a job. Preferably as a teacher but a job nonetheless. I need a home. While I like, actually love, living at the Simpsons’, the temporary state of home [and mounds of my junk in their garage] makes finding a home something to desire. I need new tires… Bella just isn’t what she used to be. (Who am I kidding, my car has remained consistent in one area — failure). I need an empty Visa balance. I need to find my favourite long sleeved white shirt. And I need to be able to have an answer when people want to know my ‘plan’. And honestly, I feeling a paralyzing out-of-control reality where I can’t make any of these things happen — particularly getting a job. For the myriad of applications I have sent off in the last month, I am getting beyond discouraged for the lack of response I have had. I don’t know what else I can do… it’s a tedious, thankless, boring, frustrating, annoying, ridiculous, sad period in my life — I really wanted instant gratification on the job hunt so that the rest of what I want can fall into place. Except for my shirt, I think it’s gone forever.

That’s why I liken it to a house afire. It’s something I can’t control and it’s something nobody can fix for me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this period has more to do with pride and this sense of entitlement I feel and less about the place I am in. After many years of education, two degrees, years working in a variety of office and customer service positions, a rockstar cast of references, and a 100% availability, I feel this weird sense that I am qualified to do anything, I will work anywhere, and yet nothing is working out. Is this a test to my pride and my ego? That’s alright; I value these types of character building ‘adventures’. Problem is, my life can’t go on much longer like this. Both via my responsibilities and my sanity. I know it’s wrong and I know it’s not very humble, but it is difficult when I’ve worked so hard for something for so long only to struggle through this phase of the process. I fear that I am becoming a nuisance or confusing to those around me, especially those who haven’t seen me this withdrawn or lost or stressed. Actually, if I am being perfectly honest, I don’t recognize myself right now either so really, this whole ‘new’ stage isn’t breathing the excitement and adventure and opportunity that it should. Or at least, that I thought it would. I guess I am entitled to an experience such as this? Yes, ok.

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t posted on my site recently. Amongst all of the thousand things I am thinking about in my brain and heart and soul that are keeping me up at night, I really don’t have much to say.

C’mon 2011. I am still pulling for you to be great.


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baby on the way

Just a little update considering my blog and Jes’ have registered probably more hits than anything else today given her overdue date status… she is in labour and in the hospital and Mom, Jayme, and Adrian are all out there already which is a huge blessing for them. Keep Jes in your prayers — it’s been a long road so far (since Monday evening) and everyone is very, very anxious to meet this little person that has taken over our hearts already.

xox