I’ve decided that that is all it takes – a little bit of magic (and a whole lot of patience). I am finding my way. I am so tired though, I think my patience is pretty stretched because I am so tired but it’s hard to focus on me when I have all of them to worry about!
I am sitting in my little cabin in the woods, the fire is blazing, and ignoring school for the next 20 minutes – I can’t believe that this is my current life. I don’t even know where to start. I couldn’t be blessed with a more intelligent, entertaining, and kind group of kids to make up my very first class. I am not even biased, that comment is fact and their energy is in one word – powerful. Powerful means they are positive and real and observant and engaging and enthusiastic. Powerful also means they are talkative and distracted and comfortable and sometimes a bit silly. They are thoughtful and very self aware for a group of 11-13 year olds – I am blessed.
‘They’ don’t train you for the responsibility. ‘They’ don’t train you how to handle your hearts when it’s breaking and falling for 25 preteens. The stress of how to encourage and educate and comfort and listen and care and reprimand… all the while maintaining a massive separation of heart and personal life – I don’t know if that is wholly possible. I had my first Meet the Teacher night and I was aghast at how nervous I was. At this age, parents are so present. It’s wonderful to feel supported, but it’s intimidating to know that ehile these kids are my 25 major priorities right now, that the parents each have 1 priority: their child. I so desperately want to be a great teacher, and that pressure I put on myself far exceeds any other pressure I am feeling.
It’s not enough to take a step back, breathe, and say ‘this is my dream come true’. That’s the easy part. What’s hard is being accountable, working harder when things aren’t working, not being afraid to fail from time to time, parents, answering everyone’s questions – all the time, all day, every second – because I am the one who has the answer, and spending too many hours in the classroom. It’s a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of energy that I am currently missing.
A very dear set of friends of mine reminded me that answering your call to life is not necessarily rewarding in the most earthly and humanly ways…but God does not ever leave us without what we need. I feel like that’s what I need to be telling myself because it is so easy to get hung up on the little parts of the job that actually make it a job and not a dream. I can’t believe my life. Seriously.
The last month has been one of incredible challenge and an unbelievable change – I still haven’t processed the fact that I am living back in my home town, let alone teaching in my elementary school. That’s ok though. In the last few months, I’ve felt friends leave and friends go, hometowns switching on a whim, cost of living change, all the while one large kick in the behind into the real world. I don’t know how I feel about that. Excuse he randomness of this post but I am lacking in the confidence and awareness of why I arrived here to begin with; it’s FACT that I feel like I am incapable of doing the job that I was hired to do – it’s incredibly difficult.
But anything is difficult where people are involved. Quadruply difficult when people’s…especially kids…hearts are involved. I feel like I have something to prove but it’s not about me and nor will it ever be.
I am a teacher.
It’s a dream come true, however that manifests itself for the next 9 months.
I am a teacher.
It’s magic. Or still looking for the magic?
I don’t know. But I’m trying.