that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.

new things

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It feels like watching a house on fire…or what I imagine that to feel like. Like I see it burning but can’t really do anything about it. Or I am just too afraid to run towards it..

Just kidding, it’s not like that at all but I am probably frustrated, albeit obviously not as much, akin to someone whose home is burning down. I need a job. Preferably as a teacher but a job nonetheless. I need a home. While I like, actually love, living at the Simpsons’, the temporary state of home [and mounds of my junk in their garage] makes finding a home something to desire. I need new tires… Bella just isn’t what she used to be. (Who am I kidding, my car has remained consistent in one area — failure). I need an empty Visa balance. I need to find my favourite long sleeved white shirt. And I need to be able to have an answer when people want to know my ‘plan’. And honestly, I feeling a paralyzing out-of-control reality where I can’t make any of these things happen — particularly getting a job. For the myriad of applications I have sent off in the last month, I am getting beyond discouraged for the lack of response I have had. I don’t know what else I can do… it’s a tedious, thankless, boring, frustrating, annoying, ridiculous, sad period in my life — I really wanted instant gratification on the job hunt so that the rest of what I want can fall into place. Except for my shirt, I think it’s gone forever.

That’s why I liken it to a house afire. It’s something I can’t control and it’s something nobody can fix for me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this period has more to do with pride and this sense of entitlement I feel and less about the place I am in. After many years of education, two degrees, years working in a variety of office and customer service positions, a rockstar cast of references, and a 100% availability, I feel this weird sense that I am qualified to do anything, I will work anywhere, and yet nothing is working out. Is this a test to my pride and my ego? That’s alright; I value these types of character building ‘adventures’. Problem is, my life can’t go on much longer like this. Both via my responsibilities and my sanity. I know it’s wrong and I know it’s not very humble, but it is difficult when I’ve worked so hard for something for so long only to struggle through this phase of the process. I fear that I am becoming a nuisance or confusing to those around me, especially those who haven’t seen me this withdrawn or lost or stressed. Actually, if I am being perfectly honest, I don’t recognize myself right now either so really, this whole ‘new’ stage isn’t breathing the excitement and adventure and opportunity that it should. Or at least, that I thought it would. I guess I am entitled to an experience such as this? Yes, ok.

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t posted on my site recently. Amongst all of the thousand things I am thinking about in my brain and heart and soul that are keeping me up at night, I really don’t have much to say.

C’mon 2011. I am still pulling for you to be great.

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2 thoughts on “new things

  1. Aw Kate, I felt the same way after I graduated and didn’t get much work. It’s quite the transition from being a student all of those years to being done and then what?
    I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but it will all work out, it always does 🙂

  2. KATE! (yes I yelled i just want to make sure that you heard me) You are right, the best thing about the shit is that when it is finally over there is so MUCH more to be thankful and greatful for! It is coming, just try to get comfortable in the shit while you wait!

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