that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.

pairing aces

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The hiatus was unintentional. Unintentionally intentional… but unintentional nonetheless. September is right around the corner and I blinked long and hard, now summer is over and I don’t think I missed it.

Anyway, if you could’ve caught on video my procrastination the last 48 hours in regards to this post, the minutes (dare I say hours?) of my sitting down to this, then standing up and doing something else, would’ve have lapsed into a more tragic waste of your time than watching surveillance footage of the bunnies at UVic running around.

I don’t like to do ‘update’ posts because the descriptions of how I am filling my time seem like a waste of your time to read but when it’s been this long, why not? Summer was devoted to job hunting and enjoying bits of Victoria that I never really knew before in addition to spending some time with friends, making new ones/reconnecting with old ones, and enjoying the family I have here, too. There have been a couple pointed moments — whether hanging out with my littlest buddy Eli on hot days or having dinner and creating magic with people that have come to mean so much to me in only a few short months, that have made summer exceptional. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to Smithers to see my dear cousin get hitched to her Ryan and the weekend was a tease of sorts — three days spent saturated with family (most of my immediate one was there) and not-long-enough visits with Ang. I got a job working with people with developmental disabilities so I needed to get back to Victoria soon after the trip began. After many, many delays, and extreme anticipation, I finally starting working with someone about two weeks ago. It’s been really interesting and challenging. I say often that I need to work on my compassionate-heart and this job is forcing that to happen. I also was hired by Starbucks last week so the last ten days have been devoted to re-learning my skills acquired from years ago at Delicious Treats/Kokopelli’s and the compassionate-heart grows as I remember that coffee is a lifestyle for some — definitely not me.

Both jobs are interesting in their own ways… but they came too late as school starts again next Wednesday and thus, my final practicum on September 20th. Can you believe it? If I blink any longer, it’ll be December already and I will finally be a teacher. That exciting reality is extraordinary and my cozy little haven of life is finally breathing in a bit of freedom to plan outside of all of this. I was a bit worried about ‘what next’ as my last written post alluded to but someone told me there is no point fixating on what I can’t control and since I take his words as truth, I’m not going to. Done.

Other things on my mind? There are three. Settle in.

One – it’s been one year since my Uncle Dave died. A whole year. It’s also been one month since my best friend’s mom died. A whole month. To say I’m thinking about cancer is an understatement. I also keep being reminded of how unfairly blessed I am… I haven’t experienced that type of heartbreaking, unfathomable pain as my Auntie or cousins or Troy and the more I think of them, the more relieved I am that I haven’t gone through that. I know it’s selfish but I have such a hard time thinking about what I would do if I were them. I guess the only way to honour them is to remember that for some reason, my story has yet to include that loss — the loss of a parent — but it doesn’t mean it’s not in the plan and thus, I need to be a better daughter/sister/friend so that when the time does come, that I loved and cared for those close to me is enough for both me and them to find peace in whatever comes. I miss Uncle Dave and miss Troy’s mom, but more than miss them — I miss what those closest to them had in those precious, brilliant people.

Two – home is where I am not. Right now all my family, my whole family, is back in Penticton. While I am ok with being here and not fixating on not being there (as I can’t control that), I am  surprised by how home is starting to feel more like being here, in my day-to-day. I never thought the day would come where I honestly can say I am surprised and amazed and blown away by who the people my siblings are (all 5 plus 1 of them), simply because I truly don’t know them very well as adults, in the day-to-day life. The older and established we get, mainly because we’re all so scattered apart, the less I seem to know them and pay attention to what’s going on. It’s easier. Not fair, but easier. Anyway, as they are all together, I think I’m grieving for the comfort of home knowing that I’m more comfortable here. I hope that a massive gust of wind changes this feeling… or, an opportunity to know my family on an every day basis will come again.

Three – poker. I don’t know much about poker but I enjoy it. I actually had to look up the scoring break down because I recently played a game and felt that a pair of aces should be worth more than three 4s. I don’t know why, seems fitting that a couple Aces, ace = #1, means more than three 4s. And this analogy is awfully simple when it comes to my current state — I’m gearing up for my last three months of school, making this my #1 semester-favourite in the history of my university career (thus leading into the #1 career :)) and that ace coupled by the ace made by my unending, biased claim to the very best friends and family in the world… well, a pair of aces here means more than anything, certainly more than three of 4th place anything ;). I’m pretty lucky.

Also… Robert Frost comes in to make it more of a hat-trick of aces because this poem is perfect, and I think you may think so too:

Nature’s first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.



One thought on “pairing aces

  1. I really enjoyed your honesty in this post, Kate.

    It doesn’t matter how long ago someone left us, the ache may become dull over time but it never really goes away. I think of your aunt sometime and remember my father in law too, for the loss they both have had to endure.

    There are lots of good things to be thankful for, so, let’s focus on that. Like- how awesome of a teacher you’re going to be! Best of luck with your new and FINAL practicum! Will be thinking of you! xx

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