that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.

echoes, silence, patience and grace


“There’s a big
a big hard sun
beating on the big people
in the big hard world”

It’s kind of like the residue of heart-burn and stomach pains. Sometimes, it hurts bad enough to leave an echo of awfulness, then there is silence while I anticipate its return, in mock patience. And I’d like to think I handle it with grace given that I hardly every complain, even though it’s pretty consistent in my life.

That is so not the point.

I don’t really know much but I do know that things are still at a standstill. Is that okay? It’s not like I am an excitement junkie, but it sure feels like what I am craving when there is none. And I mean excitement as in something new. It’s interesting how wonderful home sounds when we’re not here. Doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful, but I am desiring something a little less predictable. I joke with my friend about this, like God is just keeping me here in preparation for something really BIG that’s coming around the corner.

Well, I keep turning them and then there is nothing. Why is that? I mean, I wake up, go to work, go to the gym, come home, eat dinner, sometimes talk to someone on the phone, sometimes I write, most times I work outside, then I go to bed. My social life has picked up a bit this summer so far, which is fine, but that’s not what I mean.

I am just missing when my blood pressure raises higher and not because I am getting defensive or because my coworkers are being [insert explicative]. I want something to get excited about that is not my crush at work or Mom’s cooking. Don’t get me wrong, I am not sad or depressed or hyper sensitive, I am just…gasp…bored.

I want a curveball.
A dream come true.
Some seriously warm weather.
A visit from someone.
Good news.
A niece or nephew (just kidding).

Basically, I want it to be my turn for something ultra-fantastic-and-unexpected. Any chance you want to get on the bandwagon, support and pray for me? I don’t want a challenge necessarily, just something that rocks, that’s for me, and that pales the ever-present heartburn that I still haven’t seen a doctor for.

Echoes, silence, patience and grace. I need something other than that. I’ve gotten pretty good at the echoes, communed with the silence, tried my best to be patient, and accepted the grace.


Listen to me: HOME by the Foo Fighters:

Wish I were with you but I couldn’t stay
Every direction leads me away
Pray for tomorrow but for today
And all I want is to be home

Stand in the mirror you look the same
Just looking for shelter from the cold and the pain
Some want to cover, safe from the rain
And all I want is to be home

Echoes and silence, patience and grace,
All of these moments I’ll never replace
No fear of my heart, no absence of faith
And all I want is to be home

All I want is to be home

People I’ve loved, I have no regrets
Some I remember some I forget
Some of them living some of them dead
And all I want is to be home

2 thoughts on “echoes, silence, patience and grace

  1. I feel what you are getting at… home will be much better but we can have the life we want here….

  2. It just takes oneself to be free of “opportunities that one might miss (sexual/perverse)” it is a giving in to a true life.. a true happiness which comes with self control. To love one must give up the American- “sexual escapades” and really find truth in life. Life is not about self gratification. It is much more than that… it services a much great purpose. And to deprive ourselves of what intimate happiness we may have on earth is a a shame.

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