that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.

thoughts of past

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 Those who know what they’ve been given live a totally different life than those who are unaware.

I was reading my journal from over two years ago and I came across an entry that made me smile a bit. I’ve stolen this idea, of typing out my old thoughts, from the daily devotional that I have been working through — Jes is using the same one but I maintain I bought it by chance after she did, arguably though, because as the little sister, it’s my right to be a copy-cat.

I am astounded by how different life can get from where we were a time before but I am equally amazed by how ponderings from a few years ago can be exactly the same as they are now.

What does God say about attention? Does He call us to make it about us or about others? How self absorbed can we be? Is it right to turn attention solely on ourselves? Relating other peoples’ trials and stories to something similar that’s happen to us? I struggle with those who do this. I don’t understand the word/letter “I”. When a person uses the letter “I” more often than not at the start of a sentence, idea, or thought. How can you force someone to pay attention to you or ask you what needs to be asked, without coming out and saying it yourself? How can we be inclined people to pick up on what others are going through if we’re constantly stuck on ourselves?

I want to be questioned. I want someone to reach out to me. I want to be captivated by You. I want to trust you Lord. I desire to do what I want because everything is in place. I want to know that I don’t need to worry or wonder about the things that matter to me. I wasn’t to be open about what I care or who I care about so that I can care fully. Notice the trend? I, I, I! I: am unsure, untrusting, unaware, worrying, afraid, not confident, hypocritical, lonely, unsatisfied… I, I, I. Who fulfills that? Why can’t we stop “I” and start “You”? How can I so desperately want to write yet never spend time doing it? How can I be so judgmental about others selfishness, and self absorbance, wanting them to pay attention to me when that makes me exactly the same as my claim? Probably because “I” really isn’t good enough. “I” will never measure up. “I” needs to be “We”…with Jesus. Lord help me to know what your intent, whether I understand it or not…whether I trust it or not… definitely doesn’t have room for my selfish tendencies. I need to be We so that little things, like how often people use “I” or focus on themselves, doesn’t bother me so much.

Atleast You loves us too much to leave us the same. Right? I hope so. 

Sarah Arthur, the author of the devo writes “he’ll see me — a straggling, selfish little girl —  he’ll turn abd begin to run full tilt to meet me where I am.” I like that. Yes, I.

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