I need an overhaul. Kinda like that show. I need someone who cares about me to steal me away, overhaul me-renovate me-re-furbish me-shine me up-and plop me back into this life again. Really. At least, I was beginning to think so. Sometimes I am not sure.

I was reading a housing listing in the paper this afternoon. I exchanged every “home” or “house” or “it” with the words “Me” or “Woman” or “Wife” or “She”.  Figured this might be an insight into my life?

So, check this out:

“Needs renovation. Woman available at low cost, inspection needed, and she is showing her age. Will be able to have no sooner than June 2009, the cost of the wife is subject to change providing increases in the market”

“Woman has nice view. Overlooking the quiet, serene waters of the bay. Very expensive to maintain but could be rewarding if you wish to resell her”

“Wife on the corner. Not much to look at but in excellent location”

“Woman gone through multiple renovations, increased the quality of her exponentially. Still needs work but she’s worth more after the renos than before”

“Wife for sale, in the middle of renovations. Needs imaginative and skilled owner to finish the job. Will be transformed in no time”

“Old woman in low-end neighbourhood. After extensive work and cleaning you won’t recognize her”

“Fashion her to your desire! Woman built to your standards. Call toll-free”

“Tired of the same old thing? Give your woman a face-lift. Improvements always welcomed”

“First time wife-owner? Careful! She is harder than you think”

“Woman to rent. Comes furnished”

“Woman to rent. Fits up to 4 people. No pets. Students need not call”

Sometimes I think of myself like that:  always being negotiated or stripped down or needing improvement. In need of an overhaul.

What I really want is this kind of ad:

“Woman; not expensive, but fairly priced; ready as-is, no improvement necessary; inspection passed with flying colours; rave reviews; prior owners left because they weren’t able to maintain it in it’s original fashion; if you’re right for it, you will love it just simply for being its own. Cozy, open, lots of light and amazing view”