The only reason I have stuff to write so consistently is because it’s the busiest time of the year and greatest need for procrastination…go figure.
I am also starting to desire a digital camera… my blog is very, very lame already, it doesn’t need the added lame-os-ity of not having any pictures unless my mom sends me ones to scan. Please don’t hold it against me.
As for roundin’ a corner, I want to encourage you today, my faithful and tenacious readers, to be patient. Fun hey? But I am serious.
See, lately I do just what I coin ‘enough’… especially when it comes to relationships…specifically, my relationship with those closest to me; my relationship with God. I am convinced that God is not a God of ultimatums… but I do them anyway. Convinced that if I read my devo, pray a bit, read some in the Bible, and try to be “good” all day, that I am in His favour. Don’t mock me, it’s the truth.
Monday morning though, to spare you the gruesome details, God made me very aware that this is not enough. See, I have the tendancy to rage-silently at my desires not being fulfilled. It’s safe to say that I wonder quite often at why God has placedthose desires and yearnings in my heart if He doesn’t intend to fill them! Please note my `audacity of feelings` entry (I think?). ANYWAYS. I have been learning a lot lately about grace and peace and how they are free for me, at that cost of His: His life. Please note Good Friday. But I torture myself thinking the reason my pesudo-needs have not been met is because I am not good enough at loving Him. Like Jesus is angry at me. ANYWAYS. I am roundin’ a corner from that… because in my naivety, I sometimes forget that I am fairly new at this legitimate Christianity side of my life… so it’s okay to be humbled by honestly not being aware.
But that doesn’t legitimize the fact that I’ve been neglectful. SO. On Monday morning I couldn’t deal anymore, and I decided I was surrendering it all… for real… the struggles I have with focusing on God when I am supposed to be, the emotional burdens I have of carrying other people’s burdens they share with me — which is awesome, don’t stop, I just internalize too much, school work, prioritizing properly, physical issues, desiring good and true friends, being lonely and my dreams, everything… and making a conscious effort not to touch Jesus but absorb Him, which isn’t easy for a control-freak like me.
So naturally, after this surrender I thought I would be devoid of everything bad…for even a split second…like a “fresh slate” only because Jesus is carrying it all beside me so I don’t have to. HOWEVER. Within about 20 minutes of my new-understanding, I found out that my appeal did NOT go through and I OWE UVic 300$ for a course I never planned to take (it’s a long story). So I realized, in the moment, that I was still ultimat-um-ing with God! Thinking that if I can, in an instant, be awakened to His desiring of me, than He should instantly fix my whole world. Apparently it doesn’t work like that.
I think once we dwell on the things that seem to eradicate our good feelings and good humour, those things eradicate our good sense. So while I know Jesus has a plan for why I owe the school money for something I didn’t do (maybe there is a lesson in there?) I don’t really know that I can’t expect immediate results. It also clouds the blessings He does send our way.
So needless to say, I surrendered this little dilemma to Him as well, deciding “You want it all? Fine! Take it all!” I don`t know how I am going to pay it, but I am not too concerned about it. I am REALLY not.
Wanna know the coolest part? God rewarded this corner roundage… because Wednesday night, Jocelyn took me out to thisa magnificent coffee shop… and we proceeded to have the best conversation I think we`ve had in the entire entirety of our best friend stint. I would not exaggerate this at all… and as some of you know, she`s so deeply part of my history and heart that it aches sometimes, constantly wondering if God wants me to let go of HER too (I mean, following Jesus is hard!) or when we`re ever going to be at the same place in life or grow up and recognize what we have in eachother or if she cares as much as I do… but in the quietness of the evening, and the gentle persistence of a God I am learning to depend on fully… He handed me something I thought I had already had in Joce: someone who convinces me that I am cared for, capable of things I am not always sure of, and that I can trust with all the workings of my heart. This is HUGE. HUGE! Joce is not a Christian…and I apologize profusely if she reads this and is embarrassed… but something seemed opened up in her that night… and I, for possibly the second time in my life, felt a feeling of two souls meeting in a forever moment. I don`t think this grin has left since she dropped me off and said “Wow, that was an awesome night…I missed us.”
SO. I think maybe I am just documenting this to encourage MYSELF. But I think God`s blessings on our lives require eyes to see them and patience to wait for them. Because I don`t think they are always abrupt… nor in the order we would like them to happen!
Be patient friends, and maybe I can learn how to be from you. Or together, we can figure this thing out.