that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.

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the one where she’s lost

Coupled with Prison Break’s winter finale, staying in pajama’s until 3:00 pm for two days, learning a new side of Jes’ in-laws (specifically, her father in law), beautiful walks in the brisk Albertan air, and some quality time with two people I love… I cannot believe it’s already over.

I don’t know why I feel so detached when I leave the vacation and return to my life. I thought it was supposed to be the opposite… the detached-ness effective immediately upon ditching your real life and going to another… but for me, it seems to be the opposite and I don’t understand. I am not saying people would covet my life, but I don’t think I have much to complain about, either. Yet every time I leave and disrupt my ‘normal’, I unravel at the point of return, not the point of departure.

For whatever reason, I am most content when I get to abandon what I know and live and daily wake up for and sleep by. Don’t get me wrong, I am not meaning this as a complaint, I am genuinely confused at this. Without fail, every time I return… whether it was back to Calgary after summer holidays or a weekend away…or back to Victoria under the same pretenses, I am completely disjointed. I am currently in the detached-mode right now, as I just flew in this morning, and I wanted to poise my heart while the feelings are still raw. I want to understand why it does not matter where I am, my return to my ‘real’ life never feels like home. It’s as though everywhere else is home but the places that house me, like Calgary, Victoria, Penticton once in awhile… and I am completely out of sorts. Is that weird?

What’s really weird is that I don’t even have an answer for myself, so this post is truly not leading up to any Kate-breakthroughs. I’ve told you about Camrose before, how it makes me gain perspective and refocus and often, calms me right down…this time was no different, albeit was more relaxing than most of my trips there… but I am not sure why. Jes is a phone call away at all times, so if it’s her influence on me, it could be the same as being there if we were to talk on the phone 24/7 (don’t worry, I don’t plan to exercise that hypothesis). Same with Penticton. Mom is such a powerful voice of reverence yet that exists whether I am there or not. So why the feeling? Why when I am in my own reality and routine am I the most removed?

I am content, sure, but a part of me seems to long for something that isn’t mine. How are we supposed to forget that longing…to not have to measure up to a GPA standard, to not be in school, to be loved and cherished, to be forced out of comfort zones, to get our hands dirty helping someone else, to not have to fly or drive for hours to have tea with those closest to us, to be closer to God… why do all of these longings have to be wrapped up in a package that is not mine or what’s worse, a package I am not convinced I really deserve. What’s wrong with now? What’s the point if the greatest insecurity I am living is the current life I lead?

The tragedy is that I really can’t answer this. I am getting ready to have a bath in my own-ish tub, make tea with my kettle, followed by a sleep in my very own bed… and yet it feels more foreign to me than walking down the street in a town in Alberta that I’ve never actually lived in or on the deck of my Dad’s part time cottage that I’ve visited only a sprinkle of times. I want to get it right, and I want to feel God all the time… and I want to be proud and content to call Victoria my home for the time I am here… but I don’t know how to do that when feeling so completely…detached (it’s the only word that can sort of explain).

I saw this on my calendar:

Take time. Give yourself time to be silent and quiet before God, waiting to receive, through the Spirit, the assurance of His presence, His power working in you. – Andrew Murray

It was a wonderful trip, for sure.