that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.


the way I see it…

There is not enough time in a day or week or semester to get done what needs to. Not just school, but hanging out with God, devos, working out, cooking meals, calling home, writing e-mails, sleeping, watering plants, staring at pictures on the wall, spinning around and around on the chair Auntie M gave me, adjusting my webcam to perfect focus for Skype conversations with Ang in Europe, moisturizing, plucking my eyebrows, going to the doctor/dentist/optometrist, ensuring summer work, dreaming about the future, missing people, making friends, opening and closing the window and/or blinds, using measuring cups, brushing my teeth, downloading music, laundry, riding the bus (or driving for that matter), watching Prison Break, taking clothes to the Salvation Army, making my bed and unmaking it to go to bed, hanging up clothes, making small talk with roommates, charging my cell phone and/or iPod, rollerblading, making coffee (sans Lenten fasting), or writing on my blog?

Seriously. How in the world can I do what I need to do? From that list, I would appreciate some insights and aid in prioritizing. I lack so much motivation right now and it’s not good at all. I just don’t know how to get everything done. Believe it or not, I just wasted 15 minutes on this list. Clearly, I am doing something wrong! Worldly wise advice? Yes, please!!



lacks culture

That’s what my personal ad would say. I never realized how completely sheltered I am as a Canadian, Caucasian, twenty-something female. Recent events have unveiled that fact. #1: my early Canadian Racism class. #2, and substantially greater, Scott and Kyla’s live-in student, YouJin. YouJin hails from Korea and it was, according to Kyla, only recently that she’s started coming out of her shell. About a month ago was Kelsey’s 18th birthday party and I sat at a table with YouJin and a couple girls Taylor’s age-ish and it was there that I first witnessed that she’s got a delectable sense of humour… even though she has not shown much of it. Last night, we were at the Rutherford dinner table (entertainment in it’s own right) when we started teasing YouJin and her friend about what girls talk about at that age and what they were going to do when dinner was over and they went back downstairs. They giggled…but made a point of telling me I wasn’t allowed down there. Or any of us. So naturally, later when Kyla made all the kids popcorn, I jumped at the opportunity to bring some down to YouJin and her friend. I couldn’t believe what I saw (or more accurately, I was confused):

YouJin and Mikayla sitting side by side in the hallway with a ruler this ________________________________ long resting on Mikayla’s thigh. They were fascinated. Besides the fact that I scared them and they shrieked, I asked them what in the world they were doing. YouJin responded matter-o-factly “We’re measuring our thighs.” Say what? Mikayla pipes up “Yea! We’re measuring our thighs to see who is skinnier.” You’re joking? “No, see, I think Mikayla is skinnier than I am so we are measuring. You want to try?” YES I will get right on it! Are you kidding me? I was flustered, laughed a bit, told them they were both beautiful and slim, and politely, awkwardly declined. I mean, I remember being 14 and walking from Jocelyn’s house to #1 video to rent a movie and get slurpees from Mohawk, not measuring our thighs with a ruler as long as my index finger.

Kyla was in sheer disbelief when I told her what the girls were really up to downstairs. Scott found it prime opportunity to heckle YouJin, who promptly giggled than mortifyingly said “You told him?!?!” Oh heck no, he was downstairs! (I lie). What was truly bizarre about the encounter, is I do not believe that YouJin was embarrassed by what they were doing, merely the way we all responded. It seemed like a normal thing to do! Maybe I am just really forgetting what it was like to be 14 but wow!

This all lead to debate on whether it was a 14-year-old-girl thing to do or a Korean-girl thing. Either way, Kyla and I did not measure our thighs with them. I forgot to ask though, if Scott did.

I might start a segment of my blog called “Conversations with YouJin” because this happened later, when I creeped on over to her doorway to find her and Mikayla sitting on the bed giggling:

Hey girls! Have a fun night I will see you later!
Mikayla: “Where are you going?”
To Starbucks with Kyla.
[YouJin and Mikayla both get super excited]
YouJin: “I love Starbucks!”
Mikayla: “I do too! But Tim Hor-ton is way cheaper” (English is neither of their first language…)
I sure know that! But we’re going to see Ky’s friend and I LOVE Starbucks!
YouJin: “Thank you.” [extremely politely]
Excuse me?
YouJin: “Thank you.”
For what?
YouJin, with a sly grin creeping: “For coffee.”

Granted the hilarity of this evening needs to be couple with picturing her and her broken, yet fascinating, English coupled with this being almost the first time of holding a conversation with her, highly respectful Korean manner, what an inverted way to hint at us bringing her a coffee!! (I didn’t.) I wanted to laugh out loud for a year. What was even extra fun was when she asked me “Are you sleeping over Kate?” … I honestly don’t think I would’ve known what to do if I did! 🙂

By the way, I blogged about the awful Victoria weather too soon…I’ve worn capris and flipflops the last 3 days since being home. I apologize.

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the one where she’s lost

Coupled with Prison Break’s winter finale, staying in pajama’s until 3:00 pm for two days, learning a new side of Jes’ in-laws (specifically, her father in law), beautiful walks in the brisk Albertan air, and some quality time with two people I love… I cannot believe it’s already over.

I don’t know why I feel so detached when I leave the vacation and return to my life. I thought it was supposed to be the opposite… the detached-ness effective immediately upon ditching your real life and going to another… but for me, it seems to be the opposite and I don’t understand. I am not saying people would covet my life, but I don’t think I have much to complain about, either. Yet every time I leave and disrupt my ‘normal’, I unravel at the point of return, not the point of departure.

For whatever reason, I am most content when I get to abandon what I know and live and daily wake up for and sleep by. Don’t get me wrong, I am not meaning this as a complaint, I am genuinely confused at this. Without fail, every time I return… whether it was back to Calgary after summer holidays or a weekend away…or back to Victoria under the same pretenses, I am completely disjointed. I am currently in the detached-mode right now, as I just flew in this morning, and I wanted to poise my heart while the feelings are still raw. I want to understand why it does not matter where I am, my return to my ‘real’ life never feels like home. It’s as though everywhere else is home but the places that house me, like Calgary, Victoria, Penticton once in awhile… and I am completely out of sorts. Is that weird?

What’s really weird is that I don’t even have an answer for myself, so this post is truly not leading up to any Kate-breakthroughs. I’ve told you about Camrose before, how it makes me gain perspective and refocus and often, calms me right down…this time was no different, albeit was more relaxing than most of my trips there… but I am not sure why. Jes is a phone call away at all times, so if it’s her influence on me, it could be the same as being there if we were to talk on the phone 24/7 (don’t worry, I don’t plan to exercise that hypothesis). Same with Penticton. Mom is such a powerful voice of reverence yet that exists whether I am there or not. So why the feeling? Why when I am in my own reality and routine am I the most removed?

I am content, sure, but a part of me seems to long for something that isn’t mine. How are we supposed to forget that longing…to not have to measure up to a GPA standard, to not be in school, to be loved and cherished, to be forced out of comfort zones, to get our hands dirty helping someone else, to not have to fly or drive for hours to have tea with those closest to us, to be closer to God… why do all of these longings have to be wrapped up in a package that is not mine or what’s worse, a package I am not convinced I really deserve. What’s wrong with now? What’s the point if the greatest insecurity I am living is the current life I lead?

The tragedy is that I really can’t answer this. I am getting ready to have a bath in my own-ish tub, make tea with my kettle, followed by a sleep in my very own bed… and yet it feels more foreign to me than walking down the street in a town in Alberta that I’ve never actually lived in or on the deck of my Dad’s part time cottage that I’ve visited only a sprinkle of times. I want to get it right, and I want to feel God all the time… and I want to be proud and content to call Victoria my home for the time I am here… but I don’t know how to do that when feeling so completely…detached (it’s the only word that can sort of explain).

I saw this on my calendar:

Take time. Give yourself time to be silent and quiet before God, waiting to receive, through the Spirit, the assurance of His presence, His power working in you. – Andrew Murray

It was a wonderful trip, for sure.

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up, up, and away

‘Here I go again on my own…” cue the cheesy 80’s music…I leave for Camrose tonight! All week I have stuffed down any minor excitement over that fact due to homework, going to Dad’s, purchasing Prison Break Season 2 (Which I watched in-season, I just needed to add it to Season 1), and writing two [relatively] large papers and a midterm this morning, I am currently off from univ. for a solid 11 days! Yeaaa! So now I can get excited. I can’t wait to see Jes and Mark and a friend’s brand new twin boys and Mark’s family and some decent movies…I am going to see it all! But more importantly, I get to leave this heinous Victoria weather.


I don’t care that 80% of my blog-reading population is a Victorian…by choice, I am assuming…but please. It has been pouring rain all morning and it’s also been in the positive temperatures. I guess I like going against the grain because most people relish in the mild temperatures. I do not. I think February should feel like February; spring and winter should be highly definable, different seasons. This morning when I took the bus to school, it was not raining and it was not sunny, it was gray and there was this odd sense of walking through a mist. I thougt after 6 months I would be prepared for rain at every turn, but apparently I am not… what suffers more from this trauma than my [wanting to be] cold heart, is my hair. There is nothing worse than a mist-intoxicated-Kate-head-of-hair. Coupled with the fact that when I left school it was full on rage-raining, and I had to wait 20 minutes at an uncovered bus stop, there is no break for me! And don’t even get me started on the lack of a rain gutter on this house…it just pours onto my head as I walk out the door! Unfortunately, it seems to be like this relatively consistently! So I am excited to leave the perma-wet streets of Victoria, bundle myself up with boots and a toque, and get off the plane in much more un-heinous temperatures…


Yes, that’s me. I got a haircut and tan. That’s how heinous it is.

Don’t argue with me. Honestly, my heart broke the other day for Alicia as she told Jordi and I that she doesn’t know what a true winter with snow is like. What a shame. What. A. Shame. Maybe she should come to Alberta with me.

Also, heinous means hateful; odious; abominable; totally reprehensible, grossly wicked. So in a line from my English professor “Hey, if the word fits…”


I think I will need a week to get over this morning. Have a fabulously, un-heinous number of days… I leave tonight at 7:30 so please pray for safe travels and growth in maturity over things that I cannot control. Clearly I need it!

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guitar hero

Bet you thought this was about that video game, didn’t you??

I actually am anointing myself Sister-In-Law of the Month award (to say of the Year would be a little to conceited for my tastes… so humbly, I will be the best of the month). For today, amidst the craziness of the week-before-reading-week assignment overwhelmation (word? no.), I rode the ferry over to the mainland (freeeedom!) and met Mark’s friend Dave to pick up a guitar that Mark purchased from a company in Vancouver. So naturally, I rode the 11 am ferry (1.5 hours), waited for Dave (1.25 hours), waited for the 3 pm ferry (1.25 hours), and rode that ferry (1.75 hours), followed by a 45 min drive home! Brillianté! I met some cool people on the ferry, did some homework, wondered when I am going to meet my future husband, ate cold pizza from the lunch I packed, had some almonds, put my hair in a ponytail and took it down, played Tetris on my cell phone, and anxiously await Friday where I can hand deliver this guitar to Mark! Now, the interesting part: for Lent…I have attempted giving up coffee (it’s not working with my work out regimen) — only time I will drink it is when it’s made for me, not in a coffee shop or made by me, when someone offers me a cup — and I am attempting to take on staying out of things that don’t concern me. So, while I sit here just praying that Suzanne or Luke makes me a cup of coffee tonight for Prison Break, I am also trying to figure out a good place to put Mark’s brand new guitar so it won’t haunt me to open the case and look at it. I can’t wait to see him with his new dream-toy, but I also am desperately curious to see what all the rage is!

But I can’t, because I am fasting my coffee addiction and my desire to be in the loop and know what’s up. Coupled with the fact that Jes mentioned Mark had asked Dave to pack the guitar for travel… I probably shouldn’t open it. But all the hype and roadtripping for something I can’t see? Is it wrong that what I am giving up and what I am taking on seem to be butting heads? I truly am not a guitar hero. And it’s only been 6 days!

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what the heck for art thou?

Guess what?

I may have mono. I went for bloodtests and I was reading in a devotional saying that it is ok to not have it all together all the time…and it’s okay to ask for prayers…so if you can pray for me and cross you fingers that I do not have mono, instead I have low iron or something, anything, that would be awesome.

Also, just an update of the awkward-girl situation with the girl from high school in my class: well, she half smiled then half smirked at me on Tuesday. God is teaching a lesson in patience and “turn the other cheek” because my face wanted to smirk-smile so bad back at her, I actually felt my cheek have a seizure of mild involuntary-reflex-constraining (I just made that up, please do not ask me what it means…it just sounds good) from doing the deed. No longer am I feeling the need to settle things with her but rather, I am feeling a calm sense of irrationality on her part. So I am progressing. I don’t know in which way, but I no longer steal looks at her from afar or flinch every time her hand goes up “coincidentally” right after I’ve made a glorious comment for discussion… half thinking she is going to sucker punch me with her words. Nope, no longer. I sit there in my desk now, minding my own business. And since it is a Shakespeare class, and staying in tune with the themes of the course, I figure that if this little ordeal ever comes to a boil, all it will take is the option of three aggressions: a duel with swords, death by broken heart, or a beheading. Unfortunately, Logan Rutherford would not let me try out his sword the other day so I am out of practice on dueling and I don’t think either [the girl] or I would die of a broken heart from our “past” (or current present), so I guess our tragic fate is decapitation. I swear, I was born 4 centuries too late… the drama, ohhh the drama.

Come hither! Anon! (Please, again, do not ask me what that means)