I am a struggling disappointment.
No matter which way I spin it, I can’t seem to measure up.
I am too clean, therefore my roommate rages because she feels my cleanliness is a passive aggressive way of making her be clean. It’s not, at all, why I am clean. But okay. (I have many more roomie examples of how I am a constant failure but I will leave that topic at a standstill for the lack of privatization of this venue…I am sure I will need re-constructive personality counselling once this school year ends and we part ways!).
I take the bus, not because I am environmentally conscious but rather because I am bank account conscious [gas and parking]. And the weather in Victoria is very mild compared to Calgary, even though I am not used to the rain. So I under dress for my bank account conscious ride to school in the morning, yet when I am waiting for the bus, the rain pours and I am left a soggy mess the rest of the day. What sort of pay off is that?
I eat healthily and work our religiously at a very routinely pace of certain hours of the day, certain amounts, certain balances, and I get a ton of sleep, but I am absolutely exhausted all the time. My body is letting me down.
I read and read and take notes only to have a quiz this morning that was only on one very specific act of the play. I try to overachieve, then end up royally undeachieving, as I didn’t focus enough on it to get 10 out of 10. I think I plateaued at 5.
I pay close attention to the couple I was house sitting for, especially how I was supposed to ‘arm’ and ‘disarm’ the alarm. the first thing I do when I began my job? Set it off the alarm. The alarm company was very gracious, but I am not sure how the couple feels.
To top it all off, yesterday I was walking into the computer lab as Luke was walking out of it. He’s 6’2. I am 5’4.5ish. I said hi and waved to him and he literally walked/looked right over me. Maybe the air up there is a little stuffier, therefore inhibiting his ears and eyes, but when I asked him about it later, he absolutely did not see me… and yet if I had reached out about 4 inches form my body (my struggling, exhausted body), he would’ve been in my arms, we were that close. My height has always served decently for me, really just became something of a complex in that moment (and subesquently, from now on). It was
embarrassing humbling to note that not only am I a struggling disappointment, but I am an unnoticeable one.
And these examples are only the last 4 days! The rest of my life provides a true,
embarrassing humbling testament to that.
It’s not funny.