that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.


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the audacity of feelings

Audacity means “daring” or “shameless boldness”. Here’s my mentality about feelings: How DARE they BOLDLY take over our lives? That’s right…I understand somewhat how we are in control of our emotions and such, but I am a firm believer in we control how we project these feelings, not necessarily that we feel them. Make sense? I thought so.

See, it goes something like this. Girl meets Boy. Boy is nice to Girl. Girl decides nice Boy is pretty special. Girl still just wants to be friends with Boy. But Girl can’t help thinking about Boy. Boy then controls 14% of Girls thoughts. Unfortunate, because Girl didn’t want feelings towards Boy. (This is purely hypothetical, it’s not me, trust me).

Or case in point: I have a Shakespeare final tomorrow night that I know I have to perform absolutely brilliantly on. It’s tomorrow. And I’ve done about 6 hours worth of play summary reading. That’s it. And while I am studying I am not actually paying attention to it…which is frustrating because even though I know I have a ton of work to do and to get focused, my raging feeling that “I just don’t care” is getting the best of me. But I do care my mouth is screaming while my head is saying no you don’t, you’d rather be crafting paper snowflakes and hanging them on your Christmas tree. (Again, relatively fabricated but the reality is true: no matter how much I KNOW I need to do something, my feelings of not WANTING to get in the way).

Just go with this… I think it is bizarre how much we try to submit to the uncontrolled parts of our lives, such as dressing for the weather or working because it is needed…we forget that we are controlling human beings. Admit it, I really don’t care, but we’re all control freaks in our own rights…I am a particularly good one. And lately, I am having a huge difficulty with the one thing I thought I would always have control on: what I feel.

I am also a chronic liar. I so badly do not want to feel certain ways about things so I will lie and say I don’t. Do you like that dip? I didn’t make it so I don’t care if you do or don’t, I just want to know. [I am gagging after my bite of it but I respond.. it’s a delicate blend of cucumber and raspberry…I loved it…]… like, what the heck. Why can’t I just trust the fact that my feelings, controlled or not, are mine, therefore legitimate. If I had admitted how I felt about the dessert then I wouldn’t have heard Really? You liked it? I thought it was awful. All I was hoping was that you would agree with me. Man, you’re weird and we’re not friends anymore. K that again is a fabrication, but it sure felt that that’s what went down.

It is so huge…trusting your instincts and feelings…and I think I am tainted and unsure of my own because of all the people in the world who force their feelings, albeit opinions, on you. I don’t want to be that guy that says thyme really doesn’t seem to make a difference in a dish…so no, it is not your secret ingredient. Try again. But even so, I silently argue and wrestle with my feelings…so it’s not like I just ignore them, truthfully, out loud, but I am in constant turmoil with them inside.

It is a Swiss tragedy really (I don’t think it appropriate to say it’s a Greek one because I am not Greek)… how my audacious feelings can be so ridiculous, unexpected, brilliant, or lame… but I can’t seem to surrender my control and just have them [feelings]. To do with ANYTHING. Tragic.

Hindsight is always 20.20 so maybe when I am Nana’s age I will be able to gleefully say I sure felt cold in the -40 weather my second year at university when I forgot to wear my mitts rather than at the time, when Gee, Paul, no I am LOVING being out here in the raging, glorious -40 weather looking for your earring you lost in the snow. I am SO glad to be out here, I am staying warm just thinking about how much I am helping you. (This episode did not take place…Paul does not wear an earring…but it’s a clear example of something I would do).
 
Please just hold me accountable to my true feelings, thus support me as I descend into severe depression from my pending terrible grade on my Shakespeare final…just remind me later Kate, you just finally faced your true feelings…you didn’t want to study, so I support your failure.
 
Thanks, I needed that.