that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.


to you and yours…

Can you believe it, it’s snowing in Penticton? And it’s cold outside. 70% of the Stam-Hagen clan is home and we are waiting in hopeful-anticipation of the final three. I pray God’s greatest blessings on you, your family, friends, and time at home this season…even though He’s already given us His greatest blessing of all, Jesus, and that itself is something to celebrate…

 Merry Christmas friends, you are all a treasure.


the audacity of feelings

Audacity means “daring” or “shameless boldness”. Here’s my mentality about feelings: How DARE they BOLDLY take over our lives? That’s right…I understand somewhat how we are in control of our emotions and such, but I am a firm believer in we control how we project these feelings, not necessarily that we feel them. Make sense? I thought so.

See, it goes something like this. Girl meets Boy. Boy is nice to Girl. Girl decides nice Boy is pretty special. Girl still just wants to be friends with Boy. But Girl can’t help thinking about Boy. Boy then controls 14% of Girls thoughts. Unfortunate, because Girl didn’t want feelings towards Boy. (This is purely hypothetical, it’s not me, trust me).

Or case in point: I have a Shakespeare final tomorrow night that I know I have to perform absolutely brilliantly on. It’s tomorrow. And I’ve done about 6 hours worth of play summary reading. That’s it. And while I am studying I am not actually paying attention to it…which is frustrating because even though I know I have a ton of work to do and to get focused, my raging feeling that “I just don’t care” is getting the best of me. But I do care my mouth is screaming while my head is saying no you don’t, you’d rather be crafting paper snowflakes and hanging them on your Christmas tree. (Again, relatively fabricated but the reality is true: no matter how much I KNOW I need to do something, my feelings of not WANTING to get in the way).

Just go with this… I think it is bizarre how much we try to submit to the uncontrolled parts of our lives, such as dressing for the weather or working because it is needed…we forget that we are controlling human beings. Admit it, I really don’t care, but we’re all control freaks in our own rights…I am a particularly good one. And lately, I am having a huge difficulty with the one thing I thought I would always have control on: what I feel.

I am also a chronic liar. I so badly do not want to feel certain ways about things so I will lie and say I don’t. Do you like that dip? I didn’t make it so I don’t care if you do or don’t, I just want to know. [I am gagging after my bite of it but I respond.. it’s a delicate blend of cucumber and raspberry…I loved it…]… like, what the heck. Why can’t I just trust the fact that my feelings, controlled or not, are mine, therefore legitimate. If I had admitted how I felt about the dessert then I wouldn’t have heard Really? You liked it? I thought it was awful. All I was hoping was that you would agree with me. Man, you’re weird and we’re not friends anymore. K that again is a fabrication, but it sure felt that that’s what went down.

It is so huge…trusting your instincts and feelings…and I think I am tainted and unsure of my own because of all the people in the world who force their feelings, albeit opinions, on you. I don’t want to be that guy that says thyme really doesn’t seem to make a difference in a dish…so no, it is not your secret ingredient. Try again. But even so, I silently argue and wrestle with my feelings…so it’s not like I just ignore them, truthfully, out loud, but I am in constant turmoil with them inside.

It is a Swiss tragedy really (I don’t think it appropriate to say it’s a Greek one because I am not Greek)… how my audacious feelings can be so ridiculous, unexpected, brilliant, or lame… but I can’t seem to surrender my control and just have them [feelings]. To do with ANYTHING. Tragic.

Hindsight is always 20.20 so maybe when I am Nana’s age I will be able to gleefully say I sure felt cold in the -40 weather my second year at university when I forgot to wear my mitts rather than at the time, when Gee, Paul, no I am LOVING being out here in the raging, glorious -40 weather looking for your earring you lost in the snow. I am SO glad to be out here, I am staying warm just thinking about how much I am helping you. (This episode did not take place…Paul does not wear an earring…but it’s a clear example of something I would do).
Please just hold me accountable to my true feelings, thus support me as I descend into severe depression from my pending terrible grade on my Shakespeare final…just remind me later Kate, you just finally faced your true feelings…you didn’t want to study, so I support your failure.
Thanks, I needed that.

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Can I just say, catering to the less enlightened audience of mine (like me), that renting movies is absolutely atrocious? Last night my sweet cousin Micaela and I had a date. We rented ‘Ratatouille’ and got some candies/ice cream and settled in for a fantastic little evening. However, the movie cost a whopping $6.09! Can you believe it? I mean, 4 more $ and I could’ve watched it at the cinema, on a large screen (seeing as I couldn’t get Scott and Ky’s to work so we had to watch it on the little one in the bedroom!), and had the whole “movie going” experience (which I love). Is it just me? Or is that outta control?! Or am I just getting SO ridiculously old that I can remember when Joce and I would rent two new releases for $5.00?! I think it’s disgusting.



to you, i tip my hat

Have you ever been to a party/affair where the host(ess) says “Oh, just throw the jackets on the bed in the spare room”? That reminds me of when I was younger, going to huge family gatherings where the jackets were placed in a designated bedroom or on top of the washer/dryer… then you would have to dig for yours come the end of the evening/night. I never thought I would host a jacket-on-my-bed party in college…but I did!

Last night all the girls from home (being Smithers) that live in Victoria, their significant others (if applicable), Luke and Darcy (the infamous tree stealers), and my old dear friend Luke Harrison (who happened to be in town), came over for an evening of appetizers, Christmas baking, fellowship, and Balderdash. It was brilliant. I was a little hesitant about having people over… I get nervous when I feel like I am blitzed back to the past of high school and the oh-so-awkward tendancies of feeling out of place… I mean, every single one of my closest girlfriends from Smithers, minus 2, live in Victoria. It’s true. So as much as it is wonderful, my three years in Calgary gave me new perspective so yea…sometimes, it is awkward. And I feel out of place. But not last night.

I don’t know if it was the “City on a Hill” Christmas CD (which you should buy from your local Christian bookstore) playing in the background, the dimmers I have on the living room lights that made it feel more homey/cozy, the Christmas tree, or channel 51 playing incessantly all night (that’s the one with the fireplace allllllllllllll the time… mock for those who don’t have one…another brilliant idea)… but it felt gloriously like Christmas last night…and gloriously comfortable in the fellowship of friends. I don’t know how to put into words how much everything got set aside last night, and I feel more connected…yet more disconnected from them because I realized for the very first time that it is ok to change and to grow and to move on… but your roots are so interwoven with these people that you forget everything except the simple fact that it feels like home…

If you had been a fly on the wall last night, you would’ve been tingling to the tips of your fingers. Seriously. I looked around at one point and every single person was immersed in a conversation and had a huge grin on their faces. I got to know Jocelyn’s boyfriend a lot better while I also reconnected with Luke…that on top of sharing hugs and comforting words with another girl whose father in law just passed away three hours before… there is just something beautiful about Jesus’ birthday, because as it is a celebration of Christ, it becomes a celebration of all things wonderful… even if it’s just for one night. Makes it ok to let your guard down and trust that it’s ok to be ok for a little while and that as much as it meant for me to have a grown up jacket-on-the-bed party, the feeling in the air was so much more than good food and anticipation of going home. Friends, connected by a history and continually by a choice. It’s weird. Like it’s ok to finally let go. I don’t know. It was a brilliant evening.

We also had a gift exchange and Nadina got my the purple KB deck…which is unreal but I don’t have the red one yet! 🙂


no longer an english major

That’s right! Can you believe that you DON’T need to have an english major to TEACH ENGLISH? I CAN’T!!! I had my two advising appointments this past week, along with a ton of studying and homework…and I found out that as long as I satisfy the education requirements FOR the english teaching career, I don’t have to have a MAJOR! So now I will graduate…in MAY 2009… with a BA in Humanities, with a concentration in History and English…that way I satisfy my two teachable areas…and then I will apply into education for the September 2009 10 month program. Are you fired up for me? You better be. Only a couple more years and I will be teaching your children high school english and history…consider yourself blessed.

PS I bought Memory Foam slippers today…on sale at SportChek…they are fascinating, and the most brilliant invention by whomever invented them.
PPS And Megan, I bought my very first item from RW & Co. because you love them so much, and I love it all too! It’s a green-ish sweater that has a neat zipper on the shoulder. I am into it.



august rush

Movie Review #1:

I have not seen a movie in theatre in a VERY long time, and in celebration of classes ending and Adrienne (my roommate)’s last night in town, we went and indulged and watched August Rush. Pure G-rated brilliance. Seriously. It was a beautiful story of two people who, as life allowed, lost their son (and eachother) and the course of the movie is about how the boy believed that his music would bring his parents to him. Honestly, it was heartwrenching, beautiful, emotional (Adrienne cried), adorable, and the music was fantastic. If you want a feel-good, melt-your-heart, worth-every-dollar movie to watch…go watch August Rush. It could have just been my mood, but I saw previews for this movie months ago and was waiting and waiting to see it… and it was worth the wait for me. As a G-rated flick, it is very clean and not very dramatic, but again, it was a beautiful story. Watch it.

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the best it’s gonna get

Disclaimer #1: I do NOT have a digital camera, these pictures are compliments of my Motorola Krzr K1 and that’s why they are poor quality.

Disclaimer #1.5: Download “Christmas Song” by Dave Matthews… it reminds me of the first Christmas that I [became for real] a Christian…my RA and another guy from youth in Calgary drove to our Christmas party to a super chill mix of Christmas music…and I had never heard it before. Disclaimer because it doesn’t resemble Jingle Bells or Boney M but it makes me feel that feeling again so do it.. and feel a little for me. It’s been over three years.

Disclaimer #2: Due to the lack of a digital camera, you will NOT be privy to pictures of my hair, my healthily-trimmed RAGING blonde hair. That’s right. Blonde. Well, I highlighted it with a really, almost platinum blonde and dark, ash brown lights as well (oxymoron, I know, but I don’t know what I would call the dark ones…is that what low-lights are?). Apparently I have ASH brown hair as my natural…a cross between blonde and brown and apparently it’s quite classy like Jennifer Aniston (this is the 4th hairdresser I have had that told me I have Jennifer Aniston-esque hair). I digress. I am a raging blonde and you don’t even get to see it.

Disclaimer #2: Due to the lack of funds (pray for me…it’s extremely, outta control tight right now), I cannot put decorations on my tree. Ergo, I am in the middle of fabricating a tin foil star (or kind of looks like both) to put on the top. But you get the jest of it from the camera phone picture.

Disclaimer #3: I woke up this morning, minding my own business and noticing that it was December 1 when I made my oatmeal, and cozied up on the couch, with the Christmas lights on the tree plugged in, a cup of instant coffee to do my devotions, when it started SNOWING. IN VICTORIA. IT IS SNOWING IN VICTORIA RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT NOW!! I went to the gym and everyone was incessantly grumbling and I was flying high (could be the caffeine from the instant coffee) and fired RIGHT UP about the snow! Granted, it’s not at all cold (by Calgary/Smithers standards) and the snow seems to apparate (That’s a Harry Potter term — means disappear) before it touches the ground. But wow wow wow… Kate and her raging blonde hair is extremely happy about this.

Disclaimer #4: I need gift ideas for my mom and dad, any thoughts?!

xox your Kate