that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.


i’m just not that into it

I’ve had a rough go of it lately. But my rough go is not really rough, considering. Necause technically I am not the one having a rough time.

I hate cancer more than anything in my entire life and I don’t think I will ever hate anything more than cancer. My grandpa died of cancer when I was 10. One of my best friends, his mom had cancer for years and years. A friend of mine’s sister had her leg amputated due to cancer when she was really young. A friend of a friend lost his mom to cancer. My boss’ mother in law and my boss’ dog died from cancer last month. My mom’s friend had breast cancer. The list could go on and on and on. And, sorry for the harsh-ness, even when people and God overcome cancer, they live in fear for its return! I absolutely, positively hate cancer.

Recently, I returned to my summer job I had last year. One of the men that worked there last summer had retired in January. 5 months ago. I started work about 6 weeks ago. This retired man, with a heart of gold and the very first to make me feel at home, was diagnosed with stomach cancer. 2 weeks ago. He ran a marathon. 10 days before his diagnosis. The doctors say there is a massive tumor growing in his stomach. They say the reason they noticed is because it hurts for him to eat. They say it hurts for him to eat because the tumor has covered up almost all of his esophagus so nothing can pass through. They also say it is aggressive, and within 4 days, it had spread into his lymph nodes. They say it’s a matter of months for him. I just don’t understand.

We had a fundraiser/benefit lunch for him on the weekend. The outpouring of communities was insurmountable. We raised 10+ thousand dollars. We shared a lot of laughs. We shed a lot of tears. I think what I hate the most about cancer is the term itself is so absolutely terminal. People walk around saying “He was such a kind man.” No, he wasn’t, he IS a kind man. I just want to understand. I didn’t get it when it was my grandpa… 12 years later I don’t get it with my retired coworker. I just don’t get it. And I hate it. Have you ever had an opinion that is based on no fact? That is my opinion on cancer. I have facts relating to pain and fear and regrets and life when it comes to cancer, but I have never hated anything in my life as much as a disease I know no scientific facts about.

I will gladly plead ignorance. I don’t want to know. I am just scared. Why is it seemingly so easy for some to trust God with the big things and yet this is where I struggle (obviously). What I need help with is the clarification of why? Why him? Why grandpa; or Scott’s mom? Why is it when people plan their whole lives for retirement, hoping for time with their children and freedom, that a few months later they are facing the end?

A friend of mine told me she believes they have a cure for cancer, they just probably cannot release it because of environmental and ethical concerns with it. I sometimes believe this too…but then it makes me angry all over again. Really really mad.

Maybe I will go read a book about it. Maybe it will help me understand, if even a little bit. But nothing will ever make me hate cancer any less… unless there is a reason for it I just don’t know about, which I am open to enlightenment.

So yea, I am just not that into it.