that perfect hand…

In Ocean's 11, Danny said that "the house always wins. If you play long enough, never change the stakes, then the house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet big… and then, you take the house." Here's the hand I've been dealt, sometimes it's risky and sometimes it's safe, but all the time… it's perfect. It's mine.


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stream of consciousness

Cruisin’ With Carla… Penticton in August.

I learnt in english many years ago that a good way to get a lot of thoughts down is to give yourself a time limit and then write whatever comes to mind (or document everything IN your mind at the moment) and then once time’s up; you’re up. And since I’ve been alerted that it’s time for me to post, I figure “what a better entry than random thoughts compiled into a post? That way, my reader’s are satisfied, I don’t have to think hard what to write, and I have a time limit… so I can still study..”

(alright, 5 mins starting NOW)

I dreamt about GRAD. I can’t believe it’s been almost 4 years.

Darcy sent me a text message the other day and he told me about a fight he had gotten into. Correct if wrong, but I believe it’s his first as a Prince George SpruceKing and he apparently won it. When I asked him how everyone took it he said “Kate, my coach was real proud of me. I got [x number of penalty minutes] and I fought really well. I am kind of a fan favourite!” Well, Darce, any level of humour may be true but you’re definitely MY favourite SK.

I happen to like text messaging simply because of Darcy. It’s awesome. Anyway to stay in touch.
I also happen to like visitors. Angela was just here visiting for a week. I just dropped her off at the airport and like a typical trend in my life, there I was, saying good bye again. We had a lot of laughs, food, talks, movies, and driving around. I appreciate friends… specifically this one… the more I get to see them and it’s very cool to have my reading break, extra work hours, sleeping in, and Ang all rolled into one for a few days. It also afforded me some visits with the other Smithers folk that live here that I never see.

I hope her plane lands safely.

Dad moved to Duncan and he changed his phone numbers without informing me. After some super-sleuthing and P.I. work [aka phoning Nathan], I finally got ahold of him. I am thinking about going to Duncan May Long Weekend to visit him and possibly hang in Victoria with Nadina for a few nights. But she doesn’t know it yet.

Meg and Steve came for dinner the other night. Killer Bunnies is quickly becoming a favourite of mine as well… although, I am starting to sense that it could get pretty intense the next few rounds… I am going to sleep thinking about how I can beat Steve. Who I think cheats. Well, not really… but it’s hard playing a game keeping one eye on my cards, one eye on Steve. (He’ll argue that Megan and I chat too much but it’s all strategy, Steve).

Tonight I am going to study and watch Grey’s Anatomy. And eat some leftover “Chilli Chicken” I got at an Indian Restaurant downtown. Ang spent time in India last spring so we went there for her.

My cousins have the cutest kids in the world. I am going to Camrose in two weekends. Hopefully.

I am going to dive into the book of Romans for my devos the next few weeks. I started it a long time ago but veered off for awhile into other parts of the Bible. But tomorrow, I am taking a trip with the Romans.

Blood Diamond is an excellent movie. Watch it or rent it but it is so good. Leonardo DiCaprio is up to his form and Djimon Hounsou is a type of acting that is very rare in Hollywood… kind of “old school” performance (in other words, he fascinates me).

We’ve graduated from “Abortion” to “Euthanasia” in our Philsophy of Ethics class. Again, the word is fascinated because all these sorts of things…world issues and ethical issues… rock my world. Some how, even though they cannot be solved, we still must beat them to the curb in courses like this. It’s still fascinating.

Anddddd on Sunday is the 79th Annual Academy Awards. I watch the whole thing from red carpet beginnings to the very end. Might seem odd, but this type of event is surreal glamour to me and I love it. I do this every year, I don’t know why I like it so much. I can’t wait.

I’m out.


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valentine’s day

So tell me all your dreams Tell me all your fears and what you’re longing for the most It’s not another way That’ll end up the same for it’s under my control

Another loveless Valentine’s Day past. Although, my Dad seems to be willing to fill the role as long as need be… and that suits me just fine. He called me while I was at work and I figure, if my pops has to substitute for awhile, I think I am still the luckiest girl in the world.

In light of the festivities, I started contemplating a couple things. A friend of a friend mentioned today that the love surrounding this holiday doesn’t necessarily have to mean romantic love. It can be compassion or caring; respect or admiration; seflessness or understanding. What a wonderful way of looking at it. And from someone who isn’t romantically involved, it reminded me of the importance of love… whether it be from someone or for. Or loving myself. And most importantly, it reminded me of the greatest love of all.

(and here it gets real…)

This year I’ve spent a lot of time alone. It’s a new concept for me, and has in turn been a big adjustment. With friends moving away and housing situations…and a busy schedule of work and school, I could attribute it to not having any time. But I don’t. Reality is that I needed this year for my relationship with the one true Lover, Jesus. The more time I’ve spent getting to know Him and seeking His will for my life, the more I’ve gotten to know my true knight in shining armour. It’s been really hard sometimes. It’s kind of funny, how once you are willing to give yourself to someone else, the truths you may have believed and your tendencies that have always been affirmed, suddenly become stripped away and the person you are handing yourself to is suddenly left with a very real you. I’ve needed this, and I have gotten it from God. I feel like I’ve been exposed in the last six months and as terrifying it has been to uncover my hidden sins and faults I pretend aren’t there… it’s been the most healthy thing for my world. And in doing so, I’ve sat at Jesus’ feet with an open heart… ready for anything. And I truly believe, the deeper I know Christ, the deeper He knows me and the desires I have. The cool thing is that I know now I have to be honest with God and let Him renovate this “Kate” I’ve known forever… before my heart will be ready for anyone else to come into my life.

And for now, and forever, if my desires for a guy with a flower may never be in God’s perfect will for my life, I will be satisfied with His love for me. My perfect Valentine.

Though everything’s the same inside There’s something real A faith which causes me to change But what’s different now A spark is gleaming in my eye Like diamond stars that fill the sky I think a smile says it all
A smile says it all

xox


5 Comments

poll

Hey, this is for ALL the readers of my little journal here (so all of you, that I don’t even know read it, please take part in this…you can remain anonymous).. I was just wondering if you think I should change my layout… if it is difficult to read, too dark, or you can’t hide it from your bosses at work. Problem is that I cant find any that I necessarily like other than the plainness of this but please let me know in a comment if you think it needs to change… then I will just find anything to change it to. Thanks. And have a nice day.


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lyrics

I’ve decided one in awhile, I am going to post lyrics to one of my favourite songs… or song of the moment, best describing how I am feeling in that time. So here’s number 1.

Does Anybody Hear Her?

She is running 100 Miles an hour
In the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyons ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
she’s another 2 years older and she’s 3 more steps behind

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in, to ride in and save the day
And then walks in her prince charming and he knows just what to say
A momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?


He is running 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction

*I am fine… I just related to this song on many occasions that now, I love it!


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well, it’s done

Last night, at 11:34pm I finished off my university applications. I have now applied, sent in the various transcripts, and paid the fees to three other schools for September 2007. I am now starting this long, waiting process for acceptance… if that’s even possible at this point. My grades are kind of in limbo as a result from my health last semester but I am trying to keep my head above water. So I might be in Calgary again because I just don’t have what it takes!

Anyways, I applied to Brock University (again) in St. Catharine’s, Ontario. I got in last June and maybe if this proves to be something I still would attempt to do, I want that option open.

Second, the University of Victoria. I could finish my english degree, get into education, be near family, and only a short drive from my dad (who is in Duncan). I love Victoria and would like to be in the education system there rather than in the territories or something so ???

And lastly, and more fearfully, I applied to the University of Lethbridge. This school will be the best for my career purposes. To get a combined degree (Humanities-Education) from Lethbridge enables to me to teach any grade, in any province. I am still vyying for Secondary Ed. but if I find my talents may better be suited to Junior High or Elementary, I have that room to explore. Problem is: the competition to get in is BRUTALLY HARD.

I covet your prayers and finger crossing for the next few months. School is getting really stressful, with work combined, and I know I need a high gpa to even let my dreams wander… well, farther than they already have.

Here’s to God’s will and the potential of leaving Calgary…


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girls

I know, I know… kind of a ridonkulous (haha?) title… possibly even reason for avoiding this entry. Although, I just had to share this with someone.

So after school I got off the LRT and onto the bus, and I was sitting down while this group of people were standing beside me, talking about their day. (I don’t consider it eavesdropping when they are speaking load and clear for everyone to hear, ok?) Anyways, the one girl, let’s call her Teresa (T), was telling this boy, alias is Jeff (J), about her “break-up” she had that afternoon. It went something like this:

“So Jeff, I did it.” – T
“Yea I know, I heard.” – J
“It’s unfortunate. I mean, I only dated him for two weeks but I know he was the one.” – T
“Then why did you break up with him?” – J (good point…)
“Because he didn’t let me use his homework when I forgot to do it.” – T
“You’re kidding?” – J
“Nope. It was really hard though. I mean, yea I’ve only known him a month but it’s really tough when you think about having kids with the person, you know?” – T
“Well then you should just told your friend to dump him for you, then saves you the hassle of dealing with things yourself.” – J
“Oh I never thought of that!” – T
“Consider it for your next boyfriend… Teresa you always say you’re with the one.” – J
“Don’t make fun of me, it’s not my problem every guy who meets me loves me. It’s just unfortunate they aren’t good enough for me.” (No Joke.) -T
“Haha. Don’t kid yourself. The guy actually called you a man infront of everyone.” – J
“WHAT! What did you say? Did you defend me?” – T

(Jeff’s Stop to get off the bus… as he’s leaving…)
“NO I agreed with him. You are a total man looking girl” – J

And she proceeded to bawl.

Now, here’s the kicker to this episode. I assumed these kids were in early high school, judging from their actions, conversation and appearance… but the crying, devastated, single, gift-to-men woman, sat down beside me and proceeded to talk about her weekend plans with another bystander… as it IS going to be her 19th birthday and all…

ARE YOU KIDDING! Not only was I confused the only time (obviously) but it brought me back to when I was 19 (two years ago) and it begs the question: was I ever like that?

When we leave high school, we leave that immaturity behind… don’t we? I mean, the boy calling her a man was a little over the edge but boys will be boys, they say. Girls are supposed to be girls…until they’re women. Or something?

Yea it was a had to be there moment, but I want to pose to the general audience of my blog: when are we supposed to leave the high school-esque girlie drama behind?


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you asked for it..


Do you ever stop to think reallll hard and try to “remember” something? I find that whenever I do that, I realize how little that I do know from my past. What I was sure of, was you.

I think the first picture here defines the two of us, for those first 10 years of our lives. I remember us being like Nadia and Jayme: completely inseparable and void of anything but the laughter and playing of two girls who seemed to live more in a make believe world of house and school. The sleepovers where we would lay in the big bed on the bottom of my bunk or the one’s where we’d attempt to spend ALL night in the barn (after dressing up in all the clothes in the chest at the end of your bed).

I will never forget birthday parties that we had, each knowing the
“awkwardness” it probably would hold as we went to two different schools. But we went, nonetheless. Or family functions where we’d escape into our haven of Many Books and petty, girlish conversation… where anyone listening would surely know how to define the female species.

Life happened, and so did we. It’s funny how change can hit you in a way that it abruptly seems to turn every thing upside down. I think that while you started to grow up, I started to grow away. So much of my life turned into being someone that nobody else was. I thought that was the only way that I could fully experience anything. And in doing so, we grew apart… in ways that I had never thought we would. For many years our friendship sat in the archives of what had come and gone… and I don’t think either of us spent too much time dwelling on it. We had our own lives… and we had grown beyond, or apart, from a cousinly bond.


My first year of college I was so nervous and terrified but the only one who knew it from me was my Dad, as I cried while he drove away. My mom figured that because you and I were both in Calgary, we would be okay. Even though I don’t think we had had a conversation in a very long time… but I wanted it so bad, I just didn’t know how to do it.

I remember the day I made dinner for you and met Steve for the first time. I was so nervous because I wanted so badly to meet you where you were “at” rather than stand away. It took a roommate to tell me that you were, and always will be, my family… and that nothing would ever diminish that. Which in a sense, I guess, is true.

I remember when I became a Christian, for real, that year… I knew there were things that needed to change, but some of them were out of my control. I learnt very quickly that in a lot of cases, I needed to put everything in His hands and things would work out in ways I couldn’t even fathom.

Then you happened, only this time in a major way. I can’t begin to understand God’s timing, neither do I want to, but who knew it would take 22 years of a pretty bumpy journey, a lot of forgiveness, mother’s gentle prompting, miles away from home, and a couple of humble hearts to find what I think we had all along?

I love having you here in Calgary… even though it took us a few years to really take advantage of it! I love our classes and talks; I love eating your dinners and cooking you dinners; I love talking with the man you love and playing games with the two of you. I just appreciate you in more ways than I ever thought I would… and more as the days go by.

I can’t wait til we can say “I remember that cousin who became my friend, a few times.” Family by right; friends by choice… or something like that.

It’s kind of ironic. In September I couldn’t think of one reason why I would want to come back to Calgary. Now I can think one reason to persuade me to stay. Love you.


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to leanne

As much as I love our talks about “smart” things… what with us being completely intelligent and all, I think you should bring back your blog.

And yes, I know how much you love Smithers. Maybe we should take a roadtrip. I, for one, can wait a while before returning but I guess I could swing it.

That’s it right now. I have a ton of school work… it’s unfortunate how cutting back on work (no more Saturdays at ATB) seems to mean piles of more homework. I am not even going home for reading break. I decided to stay here and read. Yay doesn’t THAT sound like a fun time. Maybe I should just HAVE a kid… that way I don’t need to study developmental psychology from a textbook but rather, watch it evolve for myself. I have many more solutions to the problem I have with not being motivated to do my homework. Ironically, non of them involve actually sitting down and doing anything.

Actually, I need an opinion. If a roommate/roommate’s family breaks something of mine, am I entitled to ask for a replacement? Currently, my toaster was broken back in October. And now, upon returning from Christmas, my DVD player is also broken. The culprit in question fessed to the wrecking of my player today.. then trying to fix it, he wrecked it more… now I can’t make toast or watch movies. or both.

K I am done my rant. Sorry there’s little flavour to this post.. I am genuinely interested to see if you think I could call the insurance company (not literally)… or just suck it up.

Cheers