Category Archives: Unfolding

29 December 11 -- Thursday

how it goes.

By Kate

Ever look back on a year and wonder how you got from the beginning to the end?

Or you can’t believe that a January like that led to a December like this?

I can’t write life this good.

If you were to ask me what I needed in January, I would’ve said: a home, a job, direction, and hope.

Oh, and an attitude adjustment.

I am pleased to say that the year delivered and when I reminisce with those who were present for the first months of this past year, we are in awe of all that can happen in one year. I could still use an attitude adjustment right about now but I think that’s pretty standard.

Anyway.

2011 -

In January I was fresh off of the only identity I really knew for six and a half years: university student. Armed with my teaching degree and no prospective employment, I think I spent close to two months rethinking…analyzing…overthinking why I got that piece of paper to begin with. Discouragement can do that to a person. Oh well. With much gratitude to a dear cousin and his even dearer wife, I was blessed to hang my hat in their home for awhile as I tried to figure out what to do. I had no job, my car was broken, and my spirits were pretty low – I can honestly say January was THE hardest month of my life and without Trav and Chrissy, I don’t know where I would’ve been – literally/mentally/emotionally. They seemed to know exactly what I needed and I don’t think thank you would ever suffice. Looking back, it was a good time – but there was only so much cross stitching, Coke float drinking, good food eating, Canucks cheering, and Kary watching I could do before true lack of fulfilment set in.

OH but then I got a job. Two. I was blessed to be given an early spot on the teacher on call list down on the Island where I got to try my hand at teaching as a substitute. It was interesting, I had a lot of laughs and got to spend a lot of time TOCing in my practicum school which was fun for me and the kids who knew me. I also worked “full” time (any time they were open, but part time in hours) at a learning centre, teaching kids in an after school program. Work was sporadic and I made enough to survive, but not thrive.

The year started to pick up a bit. Still found time for fishing trips, Canucks watching, and Blue Buck Growler nights but I still wondered on a day-to-day what I was supposed to do and how I was going to do it. Not a fun feeling. It was as though life was going on around me but I wasn’t really able to take part. I thought I was going to stay depressed forever. That’s a real thing.

Sometime in April I interviewed for a Kindergarten teaching position in my hometown. My attitude to the interview was “I am just doing this for experience” so I didn’t think much of it…me? Kindergarten? Heck no. Lo and behold, they called a week later with an offer of my current job. Grade 7…still young but had potential for awe-some. I didn’t know how to respond. I was starting to enjoy my subbing gig. And still remained committed to staying on the Island at whatever cost.

But the offer was too good and my heart was too settled and my life was too unstable to not say “yes”. After counselling with those who mattered most, I accepted the job just after Easter and spent the next two months doing fun things like graduating university (yea I did!) and hiking around Thetis Lake and sad things like breaking my toe and saying goodbye.

I left my cozy little suite at the end of June, just in time to spend a summer with my parents, Jayme, and the members of the all-too-familiar regional district, planning the municipal election again…making money, distracting myself from moving from my home and missing people in Victoria, suntanning, and trying to navigate grade 7 curriculum as September loomed way too close.

August came too quick but when doesn’t it for teachers or students? :) Just when I thought I had experienced enough change and years worth of prayers, the phone rang with a surprise that absolutely changed the course of the year; on the other side of the line was something I had learned to live without but was always pretty sure I’d be better off having around. In the course of this, I’ve relearned all sorts of ways of a friend (both how to be one and how to receive one), especially forgiveness and humility and honesty and humour and kindness and unguarded trust. I’ve also learned, again, how nice it is to be truly known and how laughing can make all the difference. I didn’t think I missed it as much until I had it again. Armed with the support of that plus confident determination (and to a certain degree, preparation), I moved back to my northern hometown, ready to embrace a new life: a career job, a home in the woods, and winter (something I hadn’t truly seen since living in Calgary five years ago).

Now here I am, 4 months later and overwhelmed by the blessed end of my 2011 year. I am not going to sit an explain the events, continuing phone conversations,life with a wood stove in the woods, learning how to teach, etc. I don’t know what I did right along the way, but I couldn’t be more stunned by the course these months have gone. I get  to go to my dream job every day and see kids that I love spending hours with. I get to live in a place that is sometimes all too familiar that I have to double check at times that it’s not 8 years ago. I’m loving reconnecting with old friends and being reminded of their importance in my life…same with family. The familiarity is hard at times and sometimes it feels like going home is going backwards but the nice part is that I don’t feel like it’s home anymore so moving forward is easy to vision. We’ll see.

I don’t even know how to be grateful for what I have. I find my heart changing and growing as things aren’t as easy as they used to be or familiar parts (relationships, routines, what have you) all of a sudden feel foreign and hard to connect with…I don’t really know how to describe that part…but to say that 2011 caught me off guard would be a massive understatement.

This year felt doomed to disaster but here, on the verge of a new one, I wish I had been a little more optimistic…because I can’t believe where I am today – what I get to do and who I get to spend my time talking to and connecting with…and I don’t just mean my 25 students.

It’s been a really good year. Teaching, learning, growing, surviving, loving, trusting, forgiving, laughing, visiting, challenging, and being humbly reminded of the fortunes in my heart – I am totally taken care of and thought of, and I think that is why I am in awe of what’s taken place. I miss a lot, people and places in Victoria especially – I didn’t think I could survive without! But here I am.

Like I said above, I couldn’t have written a year this good. Or scripted overwhelming gratitude any better.

I still haven’t “arrived” – if I did, what would there be to look forward to in the new year? Really.

And who better to close this off with than some words of my favourite Dave Matthews:

“take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything It takes the work out of the courage”

and a personal favourite:

“Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain”

It is indeed.

With deepest thanks,

Cheers!

(and an update on the attitude adjustment to come…) :)

2 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Rooted, Unfolding

23 October 11 -- Sunday

fortitude

By Kate

If there is one LARGE frustrating thing about not keeping up my blog – when I sit down to actually write, I have so much to say, I don’t even know where to start! Sorry for the length that is sure to be this post. Ahhhhhh….

‘Fortitude’ is the name for the post because that is the only word to describe everything right now –

for·ti·tude

noun

mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously: Never once did her fortitude waver during that long illness.
 
Interesting. I think that’s my only aspiration right now – to live a life of fortitude through all these responsibilities. To be honest, I never thought being a teacher would be so hard. I am starting to think that a reason I dream of being a secondary school teacher is that I was inadvertanty trying to protect my heart from the vulnerability of the age of my current class – grade 7 is a tough year. It’s not to say that teaching in high school, that the kids aren’t hard to teach…but think back to when you were 12 or 13 and remember what it was like? Hard. You’re impressionable and growing up and trying to understand but  you just can’t quite nail down why you’re so unsure of yourself. The responsibility of being with kids this age is immeasurable. Everything is so fragile and exciting and difficult and easy and it’s unexplainable how emotional I’ve become when it comes to those 25 people I spend my days with – I think I’ve had a glimpse of what it might be like to be a parent, I can’t imagine the kind of love it would take to trust in someone like me to take care of their children – I am grateful for the responsibility. Tired and overwhelmed most days, but grateful.
 
I looked at the definition for fortitude and realized that a huge part of fortitude is courage. Most days, I don’t feel courageous at all. It’s interesting to be so sure of something in one sense, but so unsure in another. I know I can teach, I just don’t feel like I am that good all the time. And it’s human nature to want to be the best  Ican possibly be but my dear friend and her husband reminded me that I don’t have to be the best yet. But still. Some days, I just feel like I am carrying the weight of the world and I think my courage comes more from admitting that truth than actually carrying it gracefully.
 
That’s it for now, I am tired… I am loving every second of it, and laughing more often than yelling, but I am oh-so-tired.
 
Cheers!

Leave a comment   |  tags: | posted in Adventures, Rooted, Unfolding

30 June 11 -- Thursday

it happened

By Kate

I figure it is time to stop looking at that lemon meringue pie — it’s not as if we savoured it as long as my blog would so onto bigger and better things.

Like graduating university. WOOT. See Auntie Carolene? It happened.

Convocation was a bit anticlimactic as we had been marinating in the fact that we already graduated but whatever, pomp and circumstance is important and I am glad that I participated. Triply glad that Mom, Dad, and Jayme came for the day.

Here are some highlights:

PLEASE don’t judge my flip flops! I have a broken toe and couldn’t fit any shoes on my feet.

Getting hit on the head - the traditional 'welcome" to the Faculty of Education.

Not taking this serious thing seriously...Carly- well behaved, Kate- having too much fun, Aisa- bored...very indicative of our teaching degree experience.

Look at us go! 8 years later, graduating with my best friend AGAIN. Teachers? Really?

Sorry I didn't get a trade, Dad :(

Matching shoes! And smiles. She's ok that I didn't get a trade.

Duck face for Chrissy. Eyes closed for effect.

Bree, Linds, Carly and I with our favourite professor (taught philosophy). He was so glad we finished and are outta his face (and not watching his curling matches anymore).

Look who else graduated? My other best friend.

He's a pretty big deal...and a pretty big dork.

Ms. Katie Stam, B.A., B.Ed & Mr. Luke Hughson, B.Sc (HONS) ... going to change the world!

Oh… it wasn’t all a delightful day of successes…

     

Oh, well. First year as a somewhat real fan...proudly not a bandwagon one...a little disappointing that this special day will be memorable for painful reasons.

Anyway…. thanks to all the fantastic people in my life who have supported me and shown me the love over the last 7 years…and those who came out to celebrate, especially under the circumstances:

I appreciate it, Trav, more than you know. :)

I am sooo glad this chapter is closed for the time being. Kate Stam = no longer university student. Feels awe-some.

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7 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Characters, Unfolding

4 May 11 -- Wednesday

transference

By Kate

Trying something different. Like not wearing makeup or straightening my hair anymore. Like writing a blogpost on my iPhone. Like running in the evening instead of the morning.

Like teaching grade seven for a year in my old elementary school? Yes, I am trying somethings a bit differently.

That’s my news…I’ve accepted a job offer that was impossible to turn down. It is a one year contract back ‘home’ where I am going to teach all core curriculum, except French, to the grade seven class. It’s an elementary school so considering that I am, both trained as and preferably, an English and History/Social Studies secondary school teacher, my learning curve is steep and the demographic is…different — different from what I know, different from my dream.

It’s ok though, I’m not entitled to my dream job yet so for one year, I’ll gain experience while spending time with people I haven’t seen in what feels like a lifetime.

I’m unraveling. On one hand, I am excited and anxious and honoured to be given this opportunity. On the other, I seem to be crying at no moment’s notice as I feel so overwhelmed by lacking qualifications, how much planning I have to do, the thought of moving back way up north, and the imminent changes that bring goodbyes. This is home, I’m excited for my job but I didn’t think I was ready to leave Victoria, some friends, my best friend, and my family here just yet. It’s all happening so fast. I don’t know how or where to start planning for September … or how or where to say goodbye.

It’ll be trying many things different.

Like teaching full-time to my very own class…different, but different is good.

I can’t believe I’m moving back. That’s different, too.

I can’t believe it’s time to actually say goodbye.

Cheers!

3 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Adventures, Uncategorized, Unfolding

23 February 11 -- Wednesday

hear ye!

By Kate

So here’s a good one. I’ve been learning a lot lately. Most of it is comprised of patience mixed with perseverance and a little dash of unexpected and sprinkled with exhaustion and boredom all with a hint of awesome as I’ve been trying to sort things out over the past two months. Well, I am certain it is all going to be okay and work out as my ma always says — I got a part time job at the learning centre here working with younger kids on their reading and writing in the post-school hours and on weekends.  Perfect. And just days after I got that job, I found out that I am officially on the supply list for one of the school districts here…that’s right, I am a teacher on call! Tell your friends. Actually don’t, but it is pretty cool and I am very excited to hopefully start getting some calls! I’ve never been on call for anything, except for during my job hunt where I’ve constantly waited by the phone for someone to potentially give me a job. Maybe the last two months have been training me for the nature of the position. Who knows. Any words of advice? I feel like I need to start showering at night so I can be ready at the drop of a hat (or if they call me at 7 am). I’m also a little nervous…as a TOC, I can be called in to any school, any grade in my district. I have no idea what to do with younger kids, especially x30. Go to games? Books? Activities? Help? Overwhelming.  For example, Victoria is in the middle of a freak snow storm right now. Chrissy says it’s approximately 6 inches worth of the white stuff out there. Naturally, we went outside to play and while I was putting on Eli’s snowsuit, etc, I all of a sudden had this flash of  ”Oh no, can you imagine teaching kindergarten and having to do this for 25 odd kids? Punch me.” Anyway, for those of you on Vancouver Island, you can appreciate how much of a set back snow can be. I grew up in the north but I’ve definitely acclimatized to the west coast (read: am not outfitted — neither in body or vehicle — for these conditions). The rest of you can judge or laugh all you want about the wimps that are island dwellers, but I don’t care. There are several morals to this story:

1. If the snow keeps up, I am refusing all calls to come teach anything grade 3 and lower. That takes a special person that I am not.

2. I don’t think I am ready to have children quite yet if I am already losing sleep over thinking about the production that is getting them ready for the outdoors.

3. It’s time to sell Bella.

4. 6 inches is a lot of snow for here, it totally ruined my plans. And there is no point shovelling when you finish the driveway only to have to start again.

5. I have work. I get to teach. I am so excited!

 

Cheers!

 

1 comment   |  tags: | posted in Adventures, Unfolding

20 January 11 -- Thursday

new things

By Kate

It feels like watching a house on fire…or what I imagine that to feel like. Like I see it burning but can’t really do anything about it. Or I am just too afraid to run towards it..

Just kidding, it’s not like that at all but I am probably frustrated, albeit obviously not as much, akin to someone whose home is burning down. I need a job. Preferably as a teacher but a job nonetheless. I need a home. While I like, actually love, living at the Simpsons’, the temporary state of home [and mounds of my junk in their garage] makes finding a home something to desire. I need new tires… Bella just isn’t what she used to be. (Who am I kidding, my car has remained consistent in one area — failure). I need an empty Visa balance. I need to find my favourite long sleeved white shirt. And I need to be able to have an answer when people want to know my ‘plan’. And honestly, I feeling a paralyzing out-of-control reality where I can’t make any of these things happen — particularly getting a job. For the myriad of applications I have sent off in the last month, I am getting beyond discouraged for the lack of response I have had. I don’t know what else I can do… it’s a tedious, thankless, boring, frustrating, annoying, ridiculous, sad period in my life — I really wanted instant gratification on the job hunt so that the rest of what I want can fall into place. Except for my shirt, I think it’s gone forever.

That’s why I liken it to a house afire. It’s something I can’t control and it’s something nobody can fix for me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this period has more to do with pride and this sense of entitlement I feel and less about the place I am in. After many years of education, two degrees, years working in a variety of office and customer service positions, a rockstar cast of references, and a 100% availability, I feel this weird sense that I am qualified to do anything, I will work anywhere, and yet nothing is working out. Is this a test to my pride and my ego? That’s alright; I value these types of character building ‘adventures’. Problem is, my life can’t go on much longer like this. Both via my responsibilities and my sanity. I know it’s wrong and I know it’s not very humble, but it is difficult when I’ve worked so hard for something for so long only to struggle through this phase of the process. I fear that I am becoming a nuisance or confusing to those around me, especially those who haven’t seen me this withdrawn or lost or stressed. Actually, if I am being perfectly honest, I don’t recognize myself right now either so really, this whole ‘new’ stage isn’t breathing the excitement and adventure and opportunity that it should. Or at least, that I thought it would. I guess I am entitled to an experience such as this? Yes, ok.

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t posted on my site recently. Amongst all of the thousand things I am thinking about in my brain and heart and soul that are keeping me up at night, I really don’t have much to say.

C’mon 2011. I am still pulling for you to be great.

2 comments   |  tags: | posted in Uncategorized, Unfolding

11 December 10 -- Saturday

stumbling over change

By Kate

I don’t know what to do.

 

Last Wednesday was my last day of university… ever…or for the time being. The freedom is suffocating. For 6.5 years my life has been, all things considering, planned and predictable. Now what. I have been hiding from the decision process and I’ve been escaping and avoiding the fact that I don’t have a clue what to do and I have no energy to decide. See? Hiding. A very dear friend of mine was encouraging me to set some goals and that in doing so, I may ease this inflated amount of opportunities and options. So I’ve set some and it hasn’t changed anything. I mean, it’s hard to dream when you have 6.5 years of university debt hanging over my head. But he was right, and in the last three days I am finding myself coming around to really, truly focusing on what I’ve always wanted to do outside of becoming a teacher and being a student. Like traveling. I really want to see the world, probably more so now than ever before. And I also really want a career and to teach. But there are no jobs right now…nobody is really hiring teachers in December? Weird, I know (sarc.). But I think that what is suffocating is that it’s my responsibility and my choice and I really am anxious to get on with it, I just don’t know how. It’s funny, for months I’ve been craving the end of university and now, as thrilled as I am, I am not sure I am ready. The real world? Really?

Here’s a good one — I read for 4 hours Thursday morning… straight. I can’t remember the last time I did that. And then, anxiety literally set in and I flew out of my chair feeling like I was being lazy and so I stopped. But the book was soo good and I didn’t want to stop reading. I missed that. But I was hiding again.

 

There’s honestly no point to this post — I guess I just wanted to share where I am at. I am struggling and I am overwhelmed and I don’t want to keep avoiding or looking at this change with anything but excitement…so maybe if you have any ideas for me (not to do but how to cope), I am waiting, anxiously.

 

Cheers.

2 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Unfolding

14 November 10 -- Sunday

immensity

By Kate

Immensity –> vastness, enormous extent; immeasurable, boundless.

I don’t know how I could come out of this unchanged — don’t ever believe someone who says that you can’t make a difference in two months. I’ve seen evidence of this, I carry it as truth. It also scares the hell out of me.

Ever feel like you’re playing witness to a situation or life from the outside? That’s the only way I can describe this confusing, can’t-quite-place-it, where am I, feeling of today: like I just spent two months as an outsider looking in on my own experience that I am now trying to comment on.

Really? Did that all just happen? The extreme is a bit audacious — one minute there are 93 students depending on me, the next morning there are none. It’s a fragile, life altering thing — teaching.

From day one, I felt set up for failure. There were stumbling blocks in my path coming every which way. Some I shared, and some I tucked into the crevasses of my heart — embarrassed and humbled and terrified that I just may not be able to do this. My first practicum was easy in comparison. I knew for months in advance what I was teaching, where I was going, how to work the photocopier, how to log onto the computers. This time? I knew for two weeks what I was teaching and did not have a computer log on until the second month. I felt like a yard sale on the first day, I simply had to trust that things would work out how they were supposed to — it’s the only thing I could semi-control.

But, like anything new, I learned more than I anticipated and was challenged the whole way through. I learned that what I cannot tolerate, I REALLY cannot tolerate… and thus, once in awhile heard a booming, stern voice coming from me even though I couldn’t recognize where the passion came from… this shocked me, and found me in the bathroom on a couple of occasions with tears! I didn’t know what I couldn’t handle until there I was, trying to handle it! Bullying each other and talking while others were speaking were the biggest ones — I felt my shoulders and neck muscles seizing every time one of my students was belittled, degraded, or ignored by his own peer. That is totally lost on me — how could they dare treat one another like that? The coolest part of my practicum was seeing this dissipate as my lack of tolerance for this behaviour and their trust in me made it okay to stop being cruel; to stop talking out of turn. There were good days and bad days but it was pretty powerful to witness progress…both academically and socially. Those kids were getting it and suddenly, the responsibility for themselves and eachother was quietly becoming their own.

Ask anyone and they’ll say they were blessed with the coolest kids. I would argue mine were better. :) The demographic where I was opened my eyes to a truth that I’ve long since ignored — not everyone has parents like mine or families or homes or simple love. Slowly, but deliberately, my cozy haven of a world unraveled as I guided my classes into a collaborative, safe environment where they could share their truths — and some of those were really difficult to hear. I thrive on human connection and the weeks passed by with me not being able to leave the classroom at lunch because kids were forever stopping in to share. I wouldn’t say I am the most gifted teacher, I would argue anyone that would say I am any good… but I think my gifting and heart made the connections easy to form, yet how in the world do I walk away from them? Or do it, authentically, over and over again?

English was easy, social studies was hard. My teacher mentor for social studies fell ill and was unable to mentor me so I was teaching social studies 11 on my own, no guidance or insights into whether I was doing it “right” or not. It was an awkward, unfulfilled challenge — I felt like I was failing all over the place with no one to step in an catch me when I needed it. But someone trusted me and somehow, that was justified as ability. I couldn’t do it, could I? Immense.

Something else that mattered more that I thought it would was that I was not alone. My first practicum, as the only student teacher out there, my world felt so huge and full but some days were difficult to be motivated and confident in my ideas or concerns because I had no one to share them with. When I found out that Scott and I were placed at the same school, I think a few high fives were exchanged. Yet as the weeks progressed this fall, the privilege of teaching out there went beyond the kids and my practice but going through it with a good friend. I felt unworthy of the support, the drives along that windy road were shorter and shorter as having someone to share the experience with became a lifeline. It was hard and challenging…but I was inspired by Scott’s honesty and perseverance, especially when I felt like emotion and exhaustion were getting the better of me. I’m just glad it was him. Period. It was simply a privilege, having someone else to talk to, to listen to, to look forward to, who knew when things weren’t right, to care and share lunch with and remind me of my own truths when it all seemed to be too much; when it felt like I really was this outsider playing witness to something immense.

And then, having the rest of those I care about so close — it was really nice to teach “alongside” some of my favourite pre-service teachers…not in the same school, but being in the same city this time made hugs and conversations and Saturday morning visits and Friday nights to connect become a real dependency to know that everything would be okay. ‘Cause sometimes? It really felt like it wasn’t.

I am not quite sure what else I feel. I want that perfect song or right poem or rich cup of coffee that I can use to be a stand-in, something tangible, for an experience I have yet to grasp or really understand. All that I am sure of is that I am playing a role in something much, much bigger than myself and that in itself adds an element of grace to my life.

Feeling? Blessed. Tired. Exhausted. Sick. Thrilled. Inspired. Inferior. Old. Worthy. Unworthy. Stretched. Unsure. Able. Overwhelmed.

Grateful. I am feeling grateful. I learned so much. 2 months made a difference; all the difference in the world.

 

 

I am a teacher now. The immensity of that statement does little to understate my experience. It’s kinda cool though.

 

What now? “Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ~Gilda Radner

 

Cheers.

 

 



3 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Adventures, Characters, Unfolding

1 November 10 -- Monday

six in six

By Kate

Finished six weeks of practicum so far, starting the seventh in about 2.5 hours and I’ve learned six things that I plan to elaborate on:

1. Being firm is difficult — I scare myself sometimes and have made myself cry (not in front of the kids, but later).

2. Support is invaluable; friend(s)/mentors who understand exactly what I am going through is an understated blessing.

3. I teach and lecture using my hands a lot.

4. There’s a balance between being selfless and selfish that I’m close to understanding — I am learning to care without getting emotional.

5. Sometimes being constantly challenged is not healthy (or so it feels, as I can barely keep my eyes open and it’s only Monday).

6. There is nothing cooler than adolescent youth.

 

… did I just say that?

 

Cheers!

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18 October 10 -- Monday

hmm

By Kate

I have a bad feeling about this week.

I want to move mountains but they are feeling a little permanent right now. Cross your fingers that it’s not a premonition, but exhaustion, that is fueling these thoughts.

Cheers

1 comment   |  tags: | posted in Unfolding

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