Category Archives: Unfolding

9 May 12 -- Wednesday

a good start

By Kate

Mornings seem to be the only time that have what I am searching for the rest of the day: quiet, coffee, and slow pace where each moment is not woven with a need to get somewhere, do something, take care of someone, or get anxious about all the ways I am not doing those things. The earlier the morning, the better, and today has been earlier than most. I wanted to see a sunrise but I think the sun is going to hide out today…it never came and now the quiet moments are fading.

Enjoy your day! (As I spend the rest of mine looking to have morning again! :) )

 

Leave a comment | posted in Unfolding

22 April 12 -- Sunday

farther along

By Kate

It’s all so new – this process of growing and being challenged and questioning myself in ways I’ve never tried or thought of before. My heart, it seems, needs a little attention and I’ve been finding out simple truths that are freeing and convicting and oh-so-powerful.

I can’t believe how hard it all is: life. Doesn’t mean it’s not entertaining or fun or easy or stress free at times, but navigating all of the responsibility and desires and concerns and inadequacies and hope can be overwhelming. Well, for me anyhow. It’s been a long couple months; powerful that it seems to be only in those especially hard or tiring or confusing periods that time ever feels “long”. Maybe it’s because I need to take full advantage to reflect or figure out some things and maybe, just maybe, the illusion of unending length of time is easing the process… giving me a couple extra ‘minutes’, or something.

Blah blah blah, I can hear you moaning but my thoughts are vague because it’s vague.

The coolest, most interesting, unexplored, completely wonderful thing? Myself. I am getting to know myself right now. I am going and getting help to do so but I am taking those steps, getting to know myself and it is fascinating. I like to believe that one of my giftings is an honest heart and a clear sense and understanding of what is happening around me, but recently things got a little foggy, especially where I am concerned. I was talking to a dear friend last night about self awareness and broken spirits and voicing words without meaning, how we’re maybe-kinda-sorta-hoping someone will hold us accountable to the things we say out loud for ourselves (dreams, confusions, anger, pain) so that one day, we might actually believe in and trust what we’ve shared. In other words, if we say it out loud enough, we might eventually believe or hear ourselves (fake it until you make it?).

I don’t know, I think it’s a tad frightening; I have this vision of me standing there while I am, my double so to speak, is sitting in a chair and as I stand there, I tell her all that I want her to know, trust, believe, do. It’s incredibly weird, sure, but that’s kinda what counselling feels like. That’s also sometimes the picture in my head when I am teaching and trying to engage the kids. I want to be hard but fair, fun but serious, and all those other binaries in the classroom, and I think I’ve been trying that in my own self talk/discussions.

Anyway, how does this apply to you? It doesn’t really, I just miss writing. I used to love it – I have a dream of writing a novel (or series of) and I started one a long time ago and I pulled it out a little while ago, dusted it off, I guess. It’s pretty terrible, but it’s a honest step toward something that I forgot I really wanted once upon a time. And if I really think about, still want more than some of my other pursuits. I also want to be whole and healthy again and recommitting myself to somethings I enjoy is probably a good start. I need to think about what I like to do and start doing those things again, too, because I seriously haven’t prioritized any of anything, other than school and stress, for almost a year.

SO. Here I am, a bit of a mess really, but looking forward to spending some time with you again.

And all the dust flies up in our hair
Road rushes by so fast
It’s hard to catch my air
Radio plays oh, some scratchy song
It’s keeping me moving on
Keeping me strong

Cheers!

Leave a comment   |  tags: , | posted in Rooted, Unfolding

22 February 12 -- Wednesday

i’m here!

By Kate

And what better time to kick start my re-entry to blogging but LENT – my own consistent blogging series. Mmhmm… missing my good friend Chrissy for this particular ‘event’ (see last year), especially in choosing what to give up, but I persevere.

First of all – I am going to make an effort to be on here more. I enjoy blogging a great deal, I just have too many hilarious and life changing moments that start with “Today, with my students, we…” and I have to watch it – for privacy and also for boredom…to you. I sound like a broken record most of the time but honestly. teaching is an honest-to-goodness-made-for-television style of entertainment. I will try to keep you in the loop much more.

So. Lent. Last year I gave up make up. It was a powerful time. While a time of healing, mostly for my face that had been covered up for over 10 years, the challenge/fast was habit forming and I haven’t touched foundation since, except to throw it away.

I also apparently gave up dessert. That didn’t happen very often though, there was always a justification and since I always wanted to reward myself for being so diligent in not wearing make up, it was a bad combo. Excuses, excuses. But seriously, that one was especially tough – largely in part due to my living situation at the time (coke floats that flowed…endlessly?).

So here we are, day one of the 2012 lenten fasting, and here are my sacrifices:

1. hitting the snooze button, even on weekends. A very good friend of mine is doing this and I think it is a great idea. It’ll be especially tough given the zero accountability but I’ve declared it, so here I go.

2. Staying at the school past 5. I know it’s crazy but some evenings I will be in my classroom until well into the evening and I need to work on this. It might be a “contradictory” sacrifice but any teachers out there, especially new ones, will understand this.

3. Watching TV shows/movies to fall asleep. I don’t remember when this habit started but I need to spend this time pleasure reading or with my devos or just thinking. When I consider how much of my day is filled with distractions, busyness, and talking to others, I need to bring in some quiet.

How’d I do today?

Well.

I hit snooze once. Oops

I left school at 5:10. BUT I was tutoring one of my kids later than planned so I think it was important for both of us.

I haven’t gone to bed yet. And I am blogging. But it’s quiet and there is hope for some committed success in this area.

What are you thinking of letting go of for this season?

Leave a comment   |  tags: | posted in Hilarity, Unfolding

29 December 11 -- Thursday

how it goes.

By Kate

Ever look back on a year and wonder how you got from the beginning to the end?

Or you can’t believe that a January like that led to a December like this?

I can’t write life this good.

If you were to ask me what I needed in January, I would’ve said: a home, a job, direction, and hope.

Oh, and an attitude adjustment.

I am pleased to say that the year delivered and when I reminisce with those who were present for the first months of this past year, we are in awe of all that can happen in one year. I could still use an attitude adjustment right about now but I think that’s pretty standard.

Anyway.

2011 -

In January I was fresh off of the only identity I really knew for six and a half years: university student. Armed with my teaching degree and no prospective employment, I think I spent close to two months rethinking…analyzing…overthinking why I got that piece of paper to begin with. Discouragement can do that to a person. Oh well. With much gratitude to a dear cousin and his even dearer wife, I was blessed to hang my hat in their home for awhile as I tried to figure out what to do. I had no job, my car was broken, and my spirits were pretty low – I can honestly say January was THE hardest month of my life and without Trav and Chrissy, I don’t know where I would’ve been – literally/mentally/emotionally. They seemed to know exactly what I needed and I don’t think thank you would ever suffice. Looking back, it was a good time – but there was only so much cross stitching, Coke float drinking, good food eating, Canucks cheering, and Kary watching I could do before true lack of fulfilment set in.

OH but then I got a job. Two. I was blessed to be given an early spot on the teacher on call list down on the Island where I got to try my hand at teaching as a substitute. It was interesting, I had a lot of laughs and got to spend a lot of time TOCing in my practicum school which was fun for me and the kids who knew me. I also worked “full” time (any time they were open, but part time in hours) at a learning centre, teaching kids in an after school program. Work was sporadic and I made enough to survive, but not thrive.

The year started to pick up a bit. Still found time for fishing trips, Canucks watching, and Blue Buck Growler nights but I still wondered on a day-to-day what I was supposed to do and how I was going to do it. Not a fun feeling. It was as though life was going on around me but I wasn’t really able to take part. I thought I was going to stay depressed forever. That’s a real thing.

Sometime in April I interviewed for a Kindergarten teaching position in my hometown. My attitude to the interview was “I am just doing this for experience” so I didn’t think much of it…me? Kindergarten? Heck no. Lo and behold, they called a week later with an offer of my current job. Grade 7…still young but had potential for awe-some. I didn’t know how to respond. I was starting to enjoy my subbing gig. And still remained committed to staying on the Island at whatever cost.

But the offer was too good and my heart was too settled and my life was too unstable to not say “yes”. After counselling with those who mattered most, I accepted the job just after Easter and spent the next two months doing fun things like graduating university (yea I did!) and hiking around Thetis Lake and sad things like breaking my toe and saying goodbye.

I left my cozy little suite at the end of June, just in time to spend a summer with my parents, Jayme, and the members of the all-too-familiar regional district, planning the municipal election again…making money, distracting myself from moving from my home and missing people in Victoria, suntanning, and trying to navigate grade 7 curriculum as September loomed way too close.

August came too quick but when doesn’t it for teachers or students? :) Just when I thought I had experienced enough change and years worth of prayers, the phone rang with a surprise that absolutely changed the course of the year; on the other side of the line was something I had learned to live without but was always pretty sure I’d be better off having around. In the course of this, I’ve relearned all sorts of ways of a friend (both how to be one and how to receive one), especially forgiveness and humility and honesty and humour and kindness and unguarded trust. I’ve also learned, again, how nice it is to be truly known and how laughing can make all the difference. I didn’t think I missed it as much until I had it again. Armed with the support of that plus confident determination (and to a certain degree, preparation), I moved back to my northern hometown, ready to embrace a new life: a career job, a home in the woods, and winter (something I hadn’t truly seen since living in Calgary five years ago).

Now here I am, 4 months later and overwhelmed by the blessed end of my 2011 year. I am not going to sit an explain the events, continuing phone conversations,life with a wood stove in the woods, learning how to teach, etc. I don’t know what I did right along the way, but I couldn’t be more stunned by the course these months have gone. I get  to go to my dream job every day and see kids that I love spending hours with. I get to live in a place that is sometimes all too familiar that I have to double check at times that it’s not 8 years ago. I’m loving reconnecting with old friends and being reminded of their importance in my life…same with family. The familiarity is hard at times and sometimes it feels like going home is going backwards but the nice part is that I don’t feel like it’s home anymore so moving forward is easy to vision. We’ll see.

I don’t even know how to be grateful for what I have. I find my heart changing and growing as things aren’t as easy as they used to be or familiar parts (relationships, routines, what have you) all of a sudden feel foreign and hard to connect with…I don’t really know how to describe that part…but to say that 2011 caught me off guard would be a massive understatement.

This year felt doomed to disaster but here, on the verge of a new one, I wish I had been a little more optimistic…because I can’t believe where I am today – what I get to do and who I get to spend my time talking to and connecting with…and I don’t just mean my 25 students.

It’s been a really good year. Teaching, learning, growing, surviving, loving, trusting, forgiving, laughing, visiting, challenging, and being humbly reminded of the fortunes in my heart – I am totally taken care of and thought of, and I think that is why I am in awe of what’s taken place. I miss a lot, people and places in Victoria especially – I didn’t think I could survive without! But here I am.

Like I said above, I couldn’t have written a year this good. Or scripted overwhelming gratitude any better.

I still haven’t “arrived” – if I did, what would there be to look forward to in the new year? Really.

And who better to close this off with than some words of my favourite Dave Matthews:

“take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything It takes the work out of the courage”

and a personal favourite:

“Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain”

It is indeed.

With deepest thanks,

Cheers!

(and an update on the attitude adjustment to come…) :)

2 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Rooted, Unfolding

23 October 11 -- Sunday

fortitude

By Kate

If there is one LARGE frustrating thing about not keeping up my blog – when I sit down to actually write, I have so much to say, I don’t even know where to start! Sorry for the length that is sure to be this post. Ahhhhhh….

‘Fortitude’ is the name for the post because that is the only word to describe everything right now –

for·ti·tude

noun

mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously: Never once did her fortitude waver during that long illness.
 
Interesting. I think that’s my only aspiration right now – to live a life of fortitude through all these responsibilities. To be honest, I never thought being a teacher would be so hard. I am starting to think that a reason I dream of being a secondary school teacher is that I was inadvertanty trying to protect my heart from the vulnerability of the age of my current class – grade 7 is a tough year. It’s not to say that teaching in high school, that the kids aren’t hard to teach…but think back to when you were 12 or 13 and remember what it was like? Hard. You’re impressionable and growing up and trying to understand but  you just can’t quite nail down why you’re so unsure of yourself. The responsibility of being with kids this age is immeasurable. Everything is so fragile and exciting and difficult and easy and it’s unexplainable how emotional I’ve become when it comes to those 25 people I spend my days with – I think I’ve had a glimpse of what it might be like to be a parent, I can’t imagine the kind of love it would take to trust in someone like me to take care of their children – I am grateful for the responsibility. Tired and overwhelmed most days, but grateful.
 
I looked at the definition for fortitude and realized that a huge part of fortitude is courage. Most days, I don’t feel courageous at all. It’s interesting to be so sure of something in one sense, but so unsure in another. I know I can teach, I just don’t feel like I am that good all the time. And it’s human nature to want to be the best  Ican possibly be but my dear friend and her husband reminded me that I don’t have to be the best yet. But still. Some days, I just feel like I am carrying the weight of the world and I think my courage comes more from admitting that truth than actually carrying it gracefully.
 
That’s it for now, I am tired… I am loving every second of it, and laughing more often than yelling, but I am oh-so-tired.
 
Cheers!

Leave a comment   |  tags: | posted in Adventures, Rooted, Unfolding

30 June 11 -- Thursday

it happened

By Kate

I figure it is time to stop looking at that lemon meringue pie — it’s not as if we savoured it as long as my blog would so onto bigger and better things.

Like graduating university. WOOT. See Auntie Carolene? It happened.

Convocation was a bit anticlimactic as we had been marinating in the fact that we already graduated but whatever, pomp and circumstance is important and I am glad that I participated. Triply glad that Mom, Dad, and Jayme came for the day.

Here are some highlights:

PLEASE don’t judge my flip flops! I have a broken toe and couldn’t fit any shoes on my feet.

Getting hit on the head - the traditional 'welcome" to the Faculty of Education.

Not taking this serious thing seriously...Carly- well behaved, Kate- having too much fun, Aisa- bored...very indicative of our teaching degree experience.

Look at us go! 8 years later, graduating with my best friend AGAIN. Teachers? Really?

Sorry I didn't get a trade, Dad :(

Matching shoes! And smiles. She's ok that I didn't get a trade.

Duck face for Chrissy. Eyes closed for effect.

Bree, Linds, Carly and I with our favourite professor (taught philosophy). He was so glad we finished and are outta his face (and not watching his curling matches anymore).

Look who else graduated? My other best friend.

He's a pretty big deal...and a pretty big dork.

Ms. Katie Stam, B.A., B.Ed & Mr. Luke Hughson, B.Sc (HONS) ... going to change the world!

Oh… it wasn’t all a delightful day of successes…

     

Oh, well. First year as a somewhat real fan...proudly not a bandwagon one...a little disappointing that this special day will be memorable for painful reasons.

Anyway…. thanks to all the fantastic people in my life who have supported me and shown me the love over the last 7 years…and those who came out to celebrate, especially under the circumstances:

I appreciate it, Trav, more than you know. :)

I am sooo glad this chapter is closed for the time being. Kate Stam = no longer university student. Feels awe-some.

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7 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Characters, Unfolding

4 May 11 -- Wednesday

transference

By Kate

Trying something different. Like not wearing makeup or straightening my hair anymore. Like writing a blogpost on my iPhone. Like running in the evening instead of the morning.

Like teaching grade seven for a year in my old elementary school? Yes, I am trying somethings a bit differently.

That’s my news…I’ve accepted a job offer that was impossible to turn down. It is a one year contract back ‘home’ where I am going to teach all core curriculum, except French, to the grade seven class. It’s an elementary school so considering that I am, both trained as and preferably, an English and History/Social Studies secondary school teacher, my learning curve is steep and the demographic is…different — different from what I know, different from my dream.

It’s ok though, I’m not entitled to my dream job yet so for one year, I’ll gain experience while spending time with people I haven’t seen in what feels like a lifetime.

I’m unraveling. On one hand, I am excited and anxious and honoured to be given this opportunity. On the other, I seem to be crying at no moment’s notice as I feel so overwhelmed by lacking qualifications, how much planning I have to do, the thought of moving back way up north, and the imminent changes that bring goodbyes. This is home, I’m excited for my job but I didn’t think I was ready to leave Victoria, some friends, my best friend, and my family here just yet. It’s all happening so fast. I don’t know how or where to start planning for September … or how or where to say goodbye.

It’ll be trying many things different.

Like teaching full-time to my very own class…different, but different is good.

I can’t believe I’m moving back. That’s different, too.

I can’t believe it’s time to actually say goodbye.

Cheers!

3 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Adventures, Uncategorized, Unfolding

23 February 11 -- Wednesday

hear ye!

By Kate

So here’s a good one. I’ve been learning a lot lately. Most of it is comprised of patience mixed with perseverance and a little dash of unexpected and sprinkled with exhaustion and boredom all with a hint of awesome as I’ve been trying to sort things out over the past two months. Well, I am certain it is all going to be okay and work out as my ma always says — I got a part time job at the learning centre here working with younger kids on their reading and writing in the post-school hours and on weekends.  Perfect. And just days after I got that job, I found out that I am officially on the supply list for one of the school districts here…that’s right, I am a teacher on call! Tell your friends. Actually don’t, but it is pretty cool and I am very excited to hopefully start getting some calls! I’ve never been on call for anything, except for during my job hunt where I’ve constantly waited by the phone for someone to potentially give me a job. Maybe the last two months have been training me for the nature of the position. Who knows. Any words of advice? I feel like I need to start showering at night so I can be ready at the drop of a hat (or if they call me at 7 am). I’m also a little nervous…as a TOC, I can be called in to any school, any grade in my district. I have no idea what to do with younger kids, especially x30. Go to games? Books? Activities? Help? Overwhelming.  For example, Victoria is in the middle of a freak snow storm right now. Chrissy says it’s approximately 6 inches worth of the white stuff out there. Naturally, we went outside to play and while I was putting on Eli’s snowsuit, etc, I all of a sudden had this flash of  ”Oh no, can you imagine teaching kindergarten and having to do this for 25 odd kids? Punch me.” Anyway, for those of you on Vancouver Island, you can appreciate how much of a set back snow can be. I grew up in the north but I’ve definitely acclimatized to the west coast (read: am not outfitted — neither in body or vehicle — for these conditions). The rest of you can judge or laugh all you want about the wimps that are island dwellers, but I don’t care. There are several morals to this story:

1. If the snow keeps up, I am refusing all calls to come teach anything grade 3 and lower. That takes a special person that I am not.

2. I don’t think I am ready to have children quite yet if I am already losing sleep over thinking about the production that is getting them ready for the outdoors.

3. It’s time to sell Bella.

4. 6 inches is a lot of snow for here, it totally ruined my plans. And there is no point shovelling when you finish the driveway only to have to start again.

5. I have work. I get to teach. I am so excited!

 

Cheers!

 

1 comment   |  tags: | posted in Adventures, Unfolding

20 January 11 -- Thursday

new things

By Kate

It feels like watching a house on fire…or what I imagine that to feel like. Like I see it burning but can’t really do anything about it. Or I am just too afraid to run towards it..

Just kidding, it’s not like that at all but I am probably frustrated, albeit obviously not as much, akin to someone whose home is burning down. I need a job. Preferably as a teacher but a job nonetheless. I need a home. While I like, actually love, living at the Simpsons’, the temporary state of home [and mounds of my junk in their garage] makes finding a home something to desire. I need new tires… Bella just isn’t what she used to be. (Who am I kidding, my car has remained consistent in one area — failure). I need an empty Visa balance. I need to find my favourite long sleeved white shirt. And I need to be able to have an answer when people want to know my ‘plan’. And honestly, I feeling a paralyzing out-of-control reality where I can’t make any of these things happen — particularly getting a job. For the myriad of applications I have sent off in the last month, I am getting beyond discouraged for the lack of response I have had. I don’t know what else I can do… it’s a tedious, thankless, boring, frustrating, annoying, ridiculous, sad period in my life — I really wanted instant gratification on the job hunt so that the rest of what I want can fall into place. Except for my shirt, I think it’s gone forever.

That’s why I liken it to a house afire. It’s something I can’t control and it’s something nobody can fix for me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this period has more to do with pride and this sense of entitlement I feel and less about the place I am in. After many years of education, two degrees, years working in a variety of office and customer service positions, a rockstar cast of references, and a 100% availability, I feel this weird sense that I am qualified to do anything, I will work anywhere, and yet nothing is working out. Is this a test to my pride and my ego? That’s alright; I value these types of character building ‘adventures’. Problem is, my life can’t go on much longer like this. Both via my responsibilities and my sanity. I know it’s wrong and I know it’s not very humble, but it is difficult when I’ve worked so hard for something for so long only to struggle through this phase of the process. I fear that I am becoming a nuisance or confusing to those around me, especially those who haven’t seen me this withdrawn or lost or stressed. Actually, if I am being perfectly honest, I don’t recognize myself right now either so really, this whole ‘new’ stage isn’t breathing the excitement and adventure and opportunity that it should. Or at least, that I thought it would. I guess I am entitled to an experience such as this? Yes, ok.

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t posted on my site recently. Amongst all of the thousand things I am thinking about in my brain and heart and soul that are keeping me up at night, I really don’t have much to say.

C’mon 2011. I am still pulling for you to be great.

2 comments   |  tags: | posted in Uncategorized, Unfolding

11 December 10 -- Saturday

stumbling over change

By Kate

I don’t know what to do.

 

Last Wednesday was my last day of university… ever…or for the time being. The freedom is suffocating. For 6.5 years my life has been, all things considering, planned and predictable. Now what. I have been hiding from the decision process and I’ve been escaping and avoiding the fact that I don’t have a clue what to do and I have no energy to decide. See? Hiding. A very dear friend of mine was encouraging me to set some goals and that in doing so, I may ease this inflated amount of opportunities and options. So I’ve set some and it hasn’t changed anything. I mean, it’s hard to dream when you have 6.5 years of university debt hanging over my head. But he was right, and in the last three days I am finding myself coming around to really, truly focusing on what I’ve always wanted to do outside of becoming a teacher and being a student. Like traveling. I really want to see the world, probably more so now than ever before. And I also really want a career and to teach. But there are no jobs right now…nobody is really hiring teachers in December? Weird, I know (sarc.). But I think that what is suffocating is that it’s my responsibility and my choice and I really am anxious to get on with it, I just don’t know how. It’s funny, for months I’ve been craving the end of university and now, as thrilled as I am, I am not sure I am ready. The real world? Really?

Here’s a good one — I read for 4 hours Thursday morning… straight. I can’t remember the last time I did that. And then, anxiety literally set in and I flew out of my chair feeling like I was being lazy and so I stopped. But the book was soo good and I didn’t want to stop reading. I missed that. But I was hiding again.

 

There’s honestly no point to this post — I guess I just wanted to share where I am at. I am struggling and I am overwhelmed and I don’t want to keep avoiding or looking at this change with anything but excitement…so maybe if you have any ideas for me (not to do but how to cope), I am waiting, anxiously.

 

Cheers.

2 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Unfolding

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